Things.

The moment you think you're doing well or at least okay....

Life forces you to see otherwise. You begin to self doubt. You begin to overthink. You begin to worry. You begin to panic. You begin to become anxious. That is where I am right now. My anxiety is on 1,000,000. My heart is beating super fast while I'm typing this. The realest thing for me to say is....I think I might need anxiety meds. Regular breathing exercises and positive thinking just aren't cutting it. There is a situation that's triggering me, and it is my fiances. It is alotta things in between, but mainly THAT.

I am so frustrated with myself. It feels like I'm in a never ending cycle of broke phi broke. I'm officially 31 and its BLEH. Yesterday I mentally promised myself that this will be the last year of being financially unable to live how I want and need. And, also having messed up credit. So, I have to stay true to this promise. Already looking for a second gig. I'm just mad at myself. I know its life and I'm human. But, I HAVE to make a conscious effort to do better. I speak about it all the time. However, living it? That's a true testament in itself.

I'm still kinda hanging on to the idea of wanting to have it ALL together by the time you're 30, but, I know that's not realistic. And everyone's journey is different. Just gotta telling myself take it day by day.

Whew. I'm taking a breath and taking a step back to refocus. Tunnel vision. That's it and that's all.

Anxiety, self doubt, self sabotaging, negativity, and the devil will not win. I got this. Just keep me in your prayers.

LOVE.

Almost time...

It's been awhile. Annnnddd, it's about that time. My spirit and my mind have been heavy for about a month or so, I'm not sure why tho. Per usual, I am shifting. It could also be because my birthday is next week (5/23). My thought process is currently everywhere. Even tho I'm progressing in my life, I still feel stagnant; almost like it's an ongoing cycle of making bad decisions or not being disciplined to do better. For example, my finances. I'm doing okay but still struggling to do the basics with what I make...like putting gas in my car, buying groceries, etc. It's so frustrating. I'm not a crazy spender but I'm going crazy just "getting by." I have the habit of getting myself into situations that I have no business in...like credit cards. I just wanna get ahead and not constantly worry about shit.🤦🏾‍♀️

Next is...change. I feel like change is necessary. Like my spirit needs something to shake. I'm not sure if it's actually change or what, but I need something different in my life. I lowkey wanna move from this state but I'm afraid...but still ready. I just wanna start over like Savannah in Waiting to Exhale. I have no kids or no obligations...just myself. Why not?

Lastly, my FAITH. It has been tested. And now I am questioning how much do I actually believe. To walk by faith, and not by sight is like walking on egg shells with a blindfold on. Why isn't my faith as strong as others? This is about to sound selfish...but what is it that causes amazing things to happen to other people? And I'm struggling to get by. In hindsight I know that I'm blessed. I'm grateful for what I have. My own car, crib, good health, and a cool job. But, I'm searching for more. I understand that with more...comes greater risk and responsibility. With that being said, I should strengthen my faith. But the question remains, do I really believe that things can be better for me? Or will I always believe that deep down that I only deserve what I have?

Don't get me wrong...30 has been eye opening for sure. I've grown a lot. I'm more self aware. I cut my locs. Moved into a new space. Got rid of my glasses. Ended a toxic friendship. It has been a lot. 30 was learning to roll with the punches. Understanding that it's okay to be vulnerable, expressing what you want without feeling guilty, and fully coming into adulthood. Also knowing that sometimes shit is what it is and you can't do anything about it.

I just want 31 to be consistency, along with discipline. It honestly feels like its gonna be just another year. Getting older will really sneak up on ya ass. 😩😐 but I'm thankful I'm seeing another year. Now that I'm really thinking about...I'm afraid. Time is ticking and its not slowing down no time soon. I catch myself often wondering if having a family of my own is in the cards. Or if I'll ever be in a fulfilling and loving relationship. If I'll stop eating so many carbs. If I'll actually get the courage to move. If I can be disciplined enough to fix my credit and live comfortably. This is where I should decrease my overthinking and increase my faith. Hey what can I say, I'm human. I just pray 31 is all that I want it to be and more.

30 wasn't all that bad and I'm thankful. I wanna grow more. Believe more. Pray more. Be more consistent. More loving. More patient. And just be a better individual. Life is a journey and I know nothing or no one is perfect, except God. Everyone's path in this life is different. I'm still accepting what mine is and tryna figure out what my purpose is.

love. live life. proceed. progress.

Ashe.

Shifting

A lot has transpired over the last few months, and it's still early in the year. I am shifting amongst transitioning. The whole process is filled with growing pains. Forgiving folks, letting people go, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, being able to understand yourself, what it is that you want and don't want. It's a lot to process and work through. I am about a month away from turning 31. I have changed. I am changing. I am evolving. I am growing. I am me. Any word that is synonymous with growth...I am that. I don't wanna brag tho because I'm not perfect, and I still have somewhat of a f'd up mindset. Getting rid of my negative neuropaths is a journey in itself. Yet, here I am tryna do better.

So, I guess my question is can you evolve but remain the same? 🤔 This thought is somewhat plaguing me. At the moment procrastination is my demise. I know that discipline is key....but idk what to do or how to move forward. Especially when I have goals to knock out the park in 3 months. I need Jesus to take the wheel because I am officially on the struggle bus. 😬😳 Everything looks more appealing than studying. Procrastination and the overwhelming thought of what I should be doing and everything that's in between that...gives me ALL the anxiety in the world. I have to overcome this because time is literally of the essence.

Why...

Do you ever wonder why someone likes you or rocks with you the way that they do? Why they hang out with you? Why they wanna talk to you? What is it about you that's just so special? If you say you don't, you're lying. Lol. I often wonder, esp as of lately. Some people think I'm just this nice, goal oriented, quiet young woman. Others could think I'm mean and unapproachable. Most would say that I'm cool, laidback, and reserved. Which of these are true depends on the day. ..

All I want to do is stay mysterious, drink water, mind my business, and live my life. Why mysterious? Because I think its cool when people don't know a lot about you. You leave much up to the imagination of folks. I like that idea a lot. Think whatever you wanna think about me. But wait, in the back in my mind...what DO you think about me? Should I care? Why do I even want to know what someone else thinks about me?
I'm entering a new chapter soon....31. And, I'm learning more and more NOT to care what people think. I can say that I haven't cared what anyone else says about me. But to be honest, that's a lie. We all care to a certain degree.

With age, maturity and wisdom...comes freedom. Freedom to be our authentic selves. For some it comes easier than others; and for those others...well who's to say...🤨

The more we experience life with trials/tribulations...we grow, we evolve, and LIVE. Living unapologetically means you are YOU at all times. You don't care who has something to say, esp if it's negative. You shine your light regardless. You find your truth and revel in it. I'm still learning but I like who I'm becoming....

It Never Ends

Some days are better than others. And some days are just blah. Alotta things have changed the last couple of months, and some things have stayed the same. Although I'm feeling lighter these days...some things stay the same. Like a continuous cycle of whatever that may be. For me, it is finances, self doubt, and my health. You know my therapist often talks about creating new neuropaths for ourselves and leaving the old one behind. It's ridiculously hard. When all you've known the better part of your life is...dysfunction and being in purely survival mode.

I am beginning to understand that it is all in your mind. How do I train my mind to think/speak/believe good things? Deep down I want success, love, happiness, peace, and freedom. But, how can I obtain these things if all my brain knows is negativity? This is a hard transition. For example, all the time I think of how I need to start living a healthier lifestyle and going to the gym. Of course the benefits would be great. However, all I can think of is the all the food I'll be missing out on. It's the same with studying for my A&P (license to work on aircrafts). I've already failed miserably TWICE. I have no motivation to study or even entertain the idea of accomplishing this goal. Because somewhere deep inside of me I am self sabotaging...and it's something I can't shake.

Knowing good and well....I've invested so much time, energy and MONEY into a life decision. Yet, here I am...90% done with this goal but I don't have it in me to actually finish. I still can't figure out if this something that I REALLY don't want to do or if I'm just really afraid that I CAN actually succeed. Self sabotage at it's finest. To be honest, I think I am afraid because I've been struggling since I turned 19. With no one to push me...all I've ever had is myself. Sometimes that's not enough. There are so many thoughts of doubt in my head but I somehow have to overcome it.

My therapist basically told me I owe to myself to finish this task. I've given her all the reasons why I don't want to finish this goal. And, she's still not tryna hear it. 🙄 lol. So she wants me to create a new neuropath for myself. It is beyond difficult speaking and believing positivity into your life, when all you know is the bad. Could I possibly be this dense to somehow think that deep down, I don't deserve the good in life? The answer is yes.

I just begin with self and truly understand that I DO deserve all the great and amazing things life has go offer. So, I guess the first step is actually believing it. Next would be beating up my old toxic neuropath way of thinking. And after that going after my goals, knowing that I am capable of doing/accomplishing anything that I set out to do.
Sitting here typing this is a lot...but I think I needed to see this in real time so I can process.

I'm learning to celebrate all that we are and any small victory that comes our way. So the fact that I actually pulled out my study guide today and my old test papers speak volumes. Pray for me, while I continue to beat down my own dysfunctional patterns/behaviors and create new neuropaths for myself and allows me to see I am CAPABLE.

Easily

Idk what it is lately. I've been feeling light hearted, and not so much stressed out. For months now, I've been saying that I'm in a weird space but I guess I'm just growing. Also, understanding as humans we can only do so much. Everything doesn't always go our way. My therapist told me to "entertain the gray". I told her I'm normally a black or white person, and there's no gray. I'm an either "it is or it ain't" type of person. But, I am consciously learning how to accept and entertain the gray. I have a few things I wanna work on but I think I'm okay for the time being. I pray that I stay this way. I've always known that I have a light about me & some people are drawn to that. I get it now. I do. It seems as though my light is becoming brighter, and I like it. I'm not perfect by no means... but if I can be a light to those around me, why not? It's weird tho. Subconsciously I'm tryna find something to worry about it, but my spirit won't let me. I'm just at peace and I'm really ok. Working on a better version of yourself is always the move. Now I'm starting to reap the benefits. Still gotta long way to go...but I'm up for it.

Harsh reality

It's clear I've been on a wave of growth & healing the last couple of months. Therapy can be a daunting endeavor. It has been eye opening for sure. It's helping me to overcome issues that I knew that were there & some that are an underlying issue that I didn't know was there. Last nite I had a session & it was really intense. We talked about a situation that has basically curated me into who I am now. Long story short, I didn't get to graduate from high school when I was supposed to. I received my diploma two months after the fact; and I had to go to Day Adult that summer because I couldn't pass the math section of a state standardized test.

My therapist was asking me how that made me feel. The fact that I wasn't able to graduate with my class, also that my graduation was on my 18th birthday. I couldn't necessarily celebrate either one. I told her that I was hurt, disappointed, & embarrassed. I have the bad habit of not processing things. But, not processing that life changing event...has spilled over into my adulthood. It has caused me to feel like I'm not able to accomplish anything or I'll start something but not finish. Alotta incompletions I mentioned last nite. And, hearing it aloud hurt.

12 years ago this happened & it's still affecting me. I guess in a sense...I feel that I'm not good enough to be in some spaces. I work so hard!!! it seems like it's never enough or things never work out. So because of that...it has drastically caused my confidence & self esteem to be low. I never think this deep into it. Therapy has caused me to digg so much more into my self conscious; and thoroughly understand what the root of these problems are. At this point I guess I'm vulnerable & I have to revel in it. I'm doing my best not to run away from my feelings anymore. The one thing I'm good at is running away or compressing issues so deep down that I don't have to deal with it.

So, I guess the lingering question is: how do I move on from this? I don't know. I suppose the first step should be to acknowledge that this is a major issue that has affected me for years. The next step would be to understand that I deserve success & I'm  capable of obtaining success. Then act on it. It's not so simple in my mind tho.

For so long I have felt like a failure. I know that I'm not. But, when things keep falling apart & you're drastically tryna keep it together? Where do you go from there? It creates a negative mindset that I'm not good enough or the thought that I don't deserve greatness.

I just wanna do better and be better. It's so crazy that situations you thought weren't that serious...ARE THAT SERIOUS and can affect you for years without even acknowledging the trauma you went through in that moment. Today I vow to dedicate some time to process all of this. Cuz it's a lot. Healing is hard but its necessary....