Janet Jackson

Controooooollll *Janet Jackson voice*

I don't know why by the word 'control' has been stuck in my mind like the last two weeks. Why? (insert Kanye shrug). Maybe it's because I am taking control over my life, or at least certain aspects. I'm becoming to realize that once you turn 30+... your fux really do go out the window. You become more self aware, you know when you're bouta participate in some fuck shit and you can actively call yourself out on it, annnnnddddd you become more settled within yourself but with the intent of consistently improving yourself. Not only that, your circle will begin to shrivel. That's not necessarily the case for me because my circle has been small. Throughout my adulthood my Pops has always told me, "Who is gon be with you, is gon be with you." Makes sense to me and it is also incredibly accurate. My mind is forever going a mile a minute and is a playground for overthinking. I can't help it...it's just the way I'm wired. However, over the last year I've gotten a lot better. Whenever I want to freak out, panic, or overthink....one of my bestest friends tells me: "We just gon go with it." I look at her and say BUT. She stares me down and says it again: "WE JUST GON GO WITH IT." So, I've adopted the policy and I'm just going with it. And with that being said...

We all have some type of dysfunctional ways and/or patterns. One of mine is self sabotage. I know I am not the only one who deals with it. I am doing my damnest to control it. I say this all the time but its so fucking true: when you are constantly rejected and things don't work it; we often become a pessimist. I'm still working through it. It is definitely a terrifying feeling. Because when something good comes into your life; whether it be an opportunity, a relationship, a job, a friendship...we become hella skeptical. Or at least that's my situation (*cue eye roll*). It is beyond hard not to self sabotage. To be honest, I am very good at it... matter of fact it should be on my resume. LISSSEENNN LINDA... the struggle is real!!! Lol. I am clear of my intentions tho and I know when I'm about to do or say some fucked up shit. CONTROOOOLLLLLL. Whew chile, Janet be knowin'. I'm not sure of how to break through this negative trait about myself. Maybe I should Google it...I'm sure an extreme about of articles will pop up.

On this Friday afternoon/early evening I am wholeheartedly admitting this to myself. The key is I am aware. I want to change it. I want to embrace all the good in my life... even if it's momentary. I don't like being a pessimist, nor self sabotaging. Never my intention... but we're all human. And with that, I vow to do better and be better ANNNNNDDDD I'ma just go with it. I'ma also be like Nike and JUST DO IT, while taking Auntie Janet's advice to CONTRROOOOLLLLL this shit. Happiness is hard, sometimes we gotta work for it,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LH8xbDGv7oY

Gratitude

Thank God. Thankful for peace. Thankful for love. Thankful for the present of being present. Thankful for stillness. Thankful for the ability to always be myself. Thankful to just be... in all capacities. It’s a new year and not too much has changed. This space I’m in feels different. Not too worried about things. Constantly learning how to entertain the gray, while taking life day by day. It honestly seems to make my life a bit easier. I have to sometimes remind myself of the things I once wanted, and they seemed so far fetched. I remember the days I used to pray for those things. Now I have them and I’m just grateful. Gratitude really goes a long way. From the smallest to the largest. Being healthy, having my own space, the ability to work, people who love me, a car, bills being paid, and just being a genuine individual. The strength I’ve had to pull from places within me that I didn’t know I had... to endure situations/experiences that felt like they were gonna kill me. Yet, I’m still standing. Gratitude, baby. The smallest things make all the difference and really helps to put life in perspective. I’m grateful to know that I’m a good person, I have a good heart, and I do my best to right by people. And the majority of my  adulthood that energy is recognized, as well as reciprocated. 

Just a moment to be grateful...

WINNIN'

twenty one days. 21 freakin' days until a new decade. 21 days until 2020, how ironic. wow. this year has been.... exhausting to say the least. if this year was a person in a car driving... they would look at you and say, "but, did you die?" meanwhile you're holding onto your seat belt for dear life. I learned a lot about myself this year and life in general. We always talk about self care these days, but we don't know how to enforce it. Or at least that was the case for me. We change every day. As cliche as it might sound...I have LITERALLY started to take things day by day; and not fret about the future so much. I know I talk about it a lot, but, it's my truth. The struggle of dealing with ongoing depression and anxiety is high key life threatening. I am literally fighting for my life. Drastic? Yes. I don't want to succumb to and go down that rabbit hole like this summer. That was a terrifying place to be. And yet, here I stand to go on and be the best version of myself possible. 2019 was crazy. Alotta shit happened. Friendships ending and reconciling, therapy, changing jobs, family drama, and everything in between. In hindshight, it felt like this year was going to break me, but, it didn't. I'm not gonna say that I'm in the best place at the moment, however, I'm doing okay. The last two weeks I have come to realize that I NEED to diligently work on my happiness; even if that means creating a lane specifically for myself. I have so many ideas that are in my mind... to the point that it is overwhelming. In a sense, I know that God put me in this situation for a reason and the opportunity at hand wasn't necessarily for me, even as bad as I wanted it to be. At first it was beyond difficult for me to accept it, but I had to. Sometimes if not often...things/people/places are not meant for us. 

Today a good friend of mine asked if I was happy. I was like ehhh kinda despite the job situation. He asked again, "are you happy?" I said ehhh again. He asked once more and I was honest with myself and said no. BUT, I'm working on it. He said no job, no person, nothing from the outside can really make you happy. You gotta be happy with yourself first. I already knew that but he said it with such conviction. Lol. I'm so grateful for friends that encourage, support, and love on me when necessary. As frustrating as it is to be back at square one...I guess it's needed. 

In the process I am learning how to continuously and consistently do better and be better. And UNlearning anything and everything that is toxic to my well being. Whew chiiiilllleeee, it is A LOT. But, that's okay because Rome wasn't built in a day. #BARZ. 

Lettuce (LET US) pray that 2020 will be more blessed, prosperous, peaceful, joyful, loving, and happier than ever before. In this moment, I am honest with myself. There were times that I didn't want to be on this earth. I was hurting. Hurting incredibly bad, frustrated, and just exhausted of wanting things to work out and they never did/do. I'm saying this because...by the grace of God I am typing these words. I am grateful that I am here and I don't take it for granted. I know my existence in this world is for a reason and a purpose. I have yet to figure it out, but that's okay. DAY BY DAY is the motto. I'm always looking for the silver lining in things and in life. I can say that 2019 was definitely one for the books... the good, the bad, and the in between. 

So here's to 2020 being AMAZING in every sense of the word. Please pray for my strength, courage, diligence, patience and peace to continue being a better version of myself; also curating a better life for myself. And, I'll do the same for you. LOVE. Always. All WAYS.

Haiku

Sitting on the floor sippin’ on my second cup of coffee while listening to Ledisi, and waiting on my next door neighbor to finish taking a shower. Only because I want there to be some hot water left. Yesterday was the holiday and all I did was lay on the couch and finish watching my beloved Gilmore Girls series. I didn’t necessarily talk to anyone. I just wanted to be left alone. Meanwhile my mother tried to lowkey manipulate me into going to my grandma’s house for a couple of hours... I wasn’t going for it. I didn’t feel like putting on a facade or being in that particular space. Which is my main issue with Thanksgiving. I don’t talk to my family on a regular, semi or even annual basis... I definitely don’t wanna deal with them on a national holiday. Is that wrong? Perhaps. But, I feel the way I feel. Anyway. I just laid on the couch in my new favorite blanket being unbothered. Eventually I went to my bed and forced myself to go to sleep because I didn’t know what else to do with myself. 

While I laid there my mom kept popping into my room wanting to talk and asking me random questions. 🙄 Eventually she left me be and I went to sleep. Of course I woke up several times. Now that I’m officially up... I feel some type of way. I still dunno what to do with myself. I’m sad and my spirit is feeling it heavily. There are so many things I need to do and phone calls that I need to make. But everything seems so daunting and overwhelming at the moment. I’m just doing my best to take my own advice, which is: day by day and step by step. 

Windy.

Sitting here listening to SiR as the wind thrashes against my window. And as the sun is playing peekabo, I'm lost in my thoughts. I've been waiting a couple of days to process what has been going on in my life. And I still haven't quite wrapped my head around it. I'm not sure if I ever will. Questions have me coming to me non stop the last 3 days. Just when I thought my life was coming together, everything comes tumbling down in a matter of 5 mins. I'm lowkey annoyed with God to the point that I can't pray. Why would HE give me the greatest opportunity that I've been waiting years for AND then take it away in an instant? WHY?!?! It doesn't make sense, nor is it fair. I've been impatiently patient for my life to turn around. Well, at least to be in a good space and at least feel like I'm going in the right direction. This year has been beyond an emotional mental rollercoaster. Switching jobs, losing friends, gaining friends, working, healing, forgiving, contemplating suicide, sadness, depression, anxiety, frustration, being supportive, landing the greatest opportunity and then losing it within a 2 month time span. 2019 feels like a major blur. However, through it all... I am still standing. The greatest lesson I have learned this year is to literally take it day by day. That last sentence is the only thing that is getting me through at the moment. DAY BY DAY. I'm back to square one and idk where to go from here. Currently working on doing some soul searching to figure out what I want to do with my life. I know that I am officially over working meaningless jobs in general. One thing I have learned the last couple of days is that companies really don't give a fuck about you. AT ALL. Clearly I have to do something in the meantime to pay these bills. But the bigger question remains: What do I want to do that can make me money, keep me stable and allow me to be happy? *Kanye shrug* If I could just be a financially stable nomad that just travels and go to concerts, that would be living the dream but, unfortunately that's not my reality. Even though I can't pray at the moment, I just really wonder what God's plan is for me. Because every time something is going good and I'm able to take 5 steps forward, I get knocked back 20. As much as I want to sulk in the hurt and emotional/mental exhaustion... I can't. As much as I want to go back down this black hole of depression, I can't. I honestly thought this situation was going to emotionally and mentally rock me to the point that I wouldn't be able to bounce back. Clearly that's not true. I'm not gonna say that I'm in the best space at the moment, because I'm definitely not. At this point I just want stability. That's all I've been looking for the last 10 years of my life. I'm not opposed to working hard and grindin' it out. But, when does it end? I'll be 32 in about 6 months and I am terrified. Even though I am terrified, I guess now is the time for me to figure out what it is that I want to do with my life. As cliche as it may sound, I 'm beginning to see that its true. Maybe this is why God put me in the situation that HE did. I am beyond exhausted in every since of the word; but taking things day by day is my solution at the moment. I am still disappointed in myself and the situation at hand, but what what else can I do or say? It is officially the past as of 11/23. As much as I wanted this opportunity and for SWA to be the place for me; it wasn't. Man it sucks just thinking about it. I don't wanna tell my friends that shit didn't pan out because that's when the questions come and then you have to relive it all over again. Not only that, but you also have folks rooting for you and excited for you.  But, the real ones understand. They understand that things happen and as much as want things to go our way or work out; it doesn't always work out.

Let's just say God has a funny sense of humor. I have yet to find it but hey. LOL. One thing I can say about myself is I'ma always figure out how to 'go get it' regardless of the situation. On the flip side, I am VERY tired of having to go get it and figure it out. But, it is what it is. I'm still on the search of stability... I hope it comes sooner than later. When I think of things in a wider sense; I'm glad I worked on myself this year mentally and emotionally. I can actually allow myself to feel. Even though I feel like this is the end of the road for me, I know it's not. I actually see things for what they are and I'm not too pressed about the future. You know why? Because I have to continue taking things day by day. Please don't get it twisted because everyday isn't peaches and cream. It's still a struggle in every sense of the word but I suppose I am maintaining at the moment. Time waits for no one. It keeps going whether we want it to or not. If and when you read this, all I ask is that you pray for me.

LOVE.

Entertain the Gray (Grey)

Life as I’ve known has changed drastically. Someone should cue Young Jeezy x Vacation. The holidays are coming up and I feel meh. On top of that, my peace has been violated and sorely interrupted. I am greatly and utterly drained, emotionally and mentally. I’m doing my best to keep my head above water, but, it’s beyond difficult. I have a roommate that’s getting on my everlasting nerve, a new job that I’m doing my best to adapt to and of course daily adulting. It feels like it’s all a bit.... overwhelming. But, like my therapist said... learn how to entertain the gray. I’m really doing my best to keep that same energy. I can thoroughly appreciate the prayers that folks cover me with. As much as I want to go MIA... I can’t. I have to allow myself to be vulnerable and feel what I need to feel. Entertain the gray. The only thing that’s keeping me sane at the moment is... God, work, and hanging with my homies. Thank God for the simple things. I just pray for some normalcy sometime in the near future. Like really in the NEAR future. This year has been full of ups/down, and I at least wanted to end it on a good note. In hindsight, there are 40 more days until 2020 so things could relatively change. In the meantime... the only thing I can control is myself and how I react. I’m also continuing to work on things and be the best version of myself possible. Even tho in the process. I’m being lied to, manipulated, and betrayed. With the good, the bad, and the in between.... we still gotta learn how to entertain the gray. Just pray my strength and courage while I work it out for my good....

Changes

Been a min since I’ve updated my status in life. I’m not honestly sure how I feel. I’m doing my best to take my own advice, which is continuing to take it day by day and not fret about the future too much.  Although I’m uncertain of my emotions of the moment... I’m optimistic of my future, work wise. It feels like the options are limitless. And for that, I’m thankful. Everything else in my life at the moment... I’m indifferent about. What I’ve realized about myself the last couple of months is, it takes me longer to process stuff... esp when someone does something fucked up to me. I have alotta thoughts in my head at the moment, so forgive me if I’m just rambling. Lol. Alotta changes have happened over the last 6 months. Including my mentality. I’ve had to forgive myself and others as well. I’ve had to start taking medication to help control my depression/anxiety. I see life a lot clearer. Some days are still somewhat foggy but I don’t feel... as heavy. Everyday isn’t a cake walk, however, I can cope a helluva lot better than I ever could before. That in itself is crazy to me. Folks have done some fucked up shit to me, especially this year. I ain’t realize how hard healing really is. Or how hard forgiveness is. That? That forgiveness is a whole notha beast. But I know that I need to do it... in order to keep healing and not be burdened by something or someone that’s irrelevant. I’ve also relalized that... I need to desperately get away from the space I’m in... meaning Indiana. Even though I always stay in my lane and mind my business, other people’s drama affects me. As much as I talk about moving to another state, I’m afraid. Complacency has never helped anyone, but more like hindered. I need to figure out a life WITHOUT drama, esp my family members. I guess I’m afraid because this is where my support system is... and I desperately NEED them. I need them more than my actual family. Hell, they are my family. 

I’m mentally and emotionally entering a new chapter in my life. And so far, it’s been a smooth transition. Like I said before, alotta shit has rocked me emotionally and mentally this year. By God’s grace... I’m still standing. Change will continue to happen whether we want it to or not. It’s just how we adapt and react. I pray that I keep that same mentality while I’m healing and working on the Trice I wanna be...