Missin’ U

It’s been a week since you’ve been gone and I’m still in disbelief. I hate feeling like this. A piece of me is gone & it’s never coming back. I get why people say, “My condolences, or I’m sorry for your loss.” doesn’t mean anything. I totally understand now. Those sentiments do not make me feel any better, it still makes me want to burst out in tears. Your memorial is coming up & I’m dreading it. Not ready to say goodbye. Another part of me is ready, just so I can properly grieve how I need to. Grieving/mourning feels A LOT like depression, & that’s not a place I want to be. For the longest time it’s been just us... me, my mom, my gma, & my sister. Now you’re gone & idk what to do or how to feel. They say grief is ongoing & everyone deals with it differently. It is definitely a large blow to me personally. I will say that today has been the easiest day of the week. I’ve been a little bit more talkative & cool to be around. I know the pain of you being gone will never go away but hopefully it gets easier. I keep looking at your pictures thinking man you were mean, but also super sweet (when you wanted it to be, lol). You were indeed a sour patch kid. You loved us to the best of of your ability. Sometimes you went all the way left, but I believe your heart was in the right place. I’m thankful for the prayers from people that are close to me. Day by day, it gets slightly easier. 

love. all ways. always.

👑 ALB for life.

ALB

It’s been 4 days since you’ve been gone and I still can’t wrap my mind around it. I always knew this day would come, but in the back of my mind I’ve always thought you were invincible... cuz you are high key a superhero. I can’t fathom all of the things you went thru... all of the things you witnessed in your 89 years. You can never really prepare yourself for death... it just comes and unfortunately it’s a natural part of life. I’m not necessarily thinking of negative stories of you and I. I’m moreso thinking about how I lost my grandmother. The woman that helped raised me. All the images that come to mind are from 4 days ago. Your body laying there and being ice cold when I gave you a kiss on the forehead. Anne Laura is and was a beast. Very complicated woman who definitely had a mean streak. But, I think that comes from the era she grew up in. Parents/grandparents often do the best they can with what they’re given. I loved hearing her talk about my granddaddy and all of her side hustles back in the day. How she wanted all of us to be well off and doing good in life. This wave of grief/sadness is overwhelming to the point that it makes me numb. I have alotta feelings. Not really ill feelings but just the disbelief that she’s gone. I wish that I would’ve went to see her more. But I just couldn’t see her in such an ailing/fragile state. It hurt my soul to see her like that. I’ll forever miss her saying, “Well hey there Trice. I’m happy to see you.” Whenever I would pop up on her. Seeing her on that gurney is haunting me. I pray that her soul is in heaven. I’m beyond sad. No one anything says to me will make me feel better. My last living grandparent is gone. We all knew it was a matter of time. Years ago, I remember you talking about it and your funeral arrangements. I would tune you out cuz I didn’t want to think about you dying. And yet, here we are. I have pretty good memories of you. Me taking you to the doctor, grocery store, our random phone calls. Also when I was little you taking me to Burger King and letting me get a whopper with cheese (cuz I couldn’t have cheese when I was younger. 🙄😩). All the times I got in trouble and you told my mama don’t mess with me.😂 you always asking me if I’ve eaten when I’d pop up at your house. The fact that you always asked if I had a boyfriend, which will forever be hilarious to me cuz you loved to gossip. Anne Laura, I’m hurting right now. But I know you’ve been hurting for YEARS. That alone doesn’t ease my pain. There’s so many things to say, but none of it really matters because I can’t tell you. My 4’11 little lady. Whew...

Not gonna say goodbye but more of a ‘see ya later.’ I know you’re watching over me & I hear you saying not to be sad & to stop crying but I can’t help it. It’s been rough going thru everyday life the last 4 days. All I can think of is you being gone. You loved us so hard. You went hard for everybody. Even when you were being crazy. It’s in our DNA to be strong. Although I can’t be strong enough to deal with this but I’ll do my best for you. 

Anyone who reads this, I just ask that you pray for my family & I. ❤️

Big Age

Peace, love, and souuuullllll. Been a minute since I wrote. This is a random thought: but, for the most part I love the older people I work with. Sometimes they’re a little messy with gossip but they always drop major gems. For some reason I’ve always resonated with older people, and that’s probably why everyone calls me old. I love my blankets, I don’t mind going to bed early, and just my overall demeanor. 😂💁🏽‍♀️ I love the fact that no matter how old they are, they see the potential in me... they see I’m a good person with a good head on my shoulders. That’s always made me feel so good about myself. Cuz you know old(er) people LOVE to talk shit about the younger generation. Recently I started going to the gym after YEARS of needing it. I’m not gonna lie, it feels good to be in this space. Knowing that I am actively & diligently working on becoming the best version of myself. It’s funny tho, all the old heads I talk to are like... “Just keep going, don’t give up. You’re young. Go ahead and make it happen.” To hear them say I’m young makes me subconsciously laugh. Technically I am. At 32, I am still young. Unfortunately society dictates otherwise. My dad will be 68 in a couple of months & all he ever says is “Keep on living. Hopefully you make it to this age.” And he’s right. If not often, we think that once we hit our 30s that we’re officially old. However, that couldn’t be more further from the truth. Luckily, both my parents have good genes & I look like I’m still in my 20s. 🙏🏽 Age is definitely is a stigma & it’s really a mindset. I’m not even gonna lie, 32 has been good to me. I’ve actually enjoyed it. While in your 30s, alotta things make more sense and it’s more of... ‘I ain’t got time for the bullshit and it is what it is’ type of mindset. And I fully support it. It’s a lot more smoother, more awareness of self, & accepting things for what they are & not what you want them to be. Like my Pops said, ‘Keep on living.’ Everyday ain’t peaches and cream, but, gotta keep on moving regardless of what’s happening. In this moment, I’m grateful to be the big age of 32. Cuz people are dying now more than ever, especially in this pandemic. Slow & steady on this health journey. I’m not just tryna be summa time fine at 32, but the rest of my life. I appreciate everyone who’s keeping me encouraged, supported, & loved on. You know what? It’s love.... all ways, always. 

Take It Easy.

Ayoooooooooooooo.

It’s been awhile. It is officially Feb 1st. Of course I played ‘1st of the Month’ by Bone Thugs N Harmony on repeat several times for the culture. January kinda zoomed by. I’m happy it’s a new month... cuz it creates more opportunities to accomplish unfinished goals. I’m not gonna lie, the last couple of weeks have been extremely overwhelming. Of course I never display said worries. 🙄 I just handle it the best way I can. But, my mind, spirit, and heart are extremely heavy. Primarily because I haven’t done anything I’ve needed to do. Tbh, I’m frustrated with myself. So I’m starting off fresh this month. I’m telling myself: “Continue to take things day by day, BUT, be intentional with whatever you need to do and get accomplished.” When I get off work later this morning, I intend on buying a planner for this year. I function better when I write things down and write them out. I feel so unbelievably guilty for not accomplishing anything the last couple of weeks. All I do is come home from work, chill, sip some wine, shower, hit the cloud, and go to sleep. I suppose I feel guilty, because I know I should be more productive. But then there’s rest. I need a lot of that. Even with the pandemic going on, I really enjoy being at home and not doing anything. 🤷🏽‍♀️ It seems like the older I get, the more I’m okay with not doing anything. Even going to the grocery store has become an actual errand. In a sense, I have become complacent... a place that no one should want to be. I’m subconsciously hiding from my growth.... I don’t wanna deal with that pain. The same pain I dealt with when I was therapy. Side note: I need to take my ass back to therapy. I’m actually looking forward to it. Anyway. I always speak about becoming the best version of yourself. I’m not gonna lie... I want the easy way out. I don’t wanna put the work in. Why? Cuz the honest answer is, I’m lazy and I’m not ready. When it comes to change... we can never be quite ready. I’m the type of person that can’t necessarily ‘talk’ about it constantly. I actually have to jump in and just do it. But I’m afraid. Afraid of what? Afraid to push through the limits that will allow me to be my best self. I’ve been taking it easy. Even tho easy doesn’t get you where you need to be... it’s the comfort factor and the comfort level that allows you to become stagnant. I vowed to myself in my early 20s... that I would never become that person. Yet... here I am. Ugh! See how frustrating I feel just writing this entry. What sums it up is... and most cliché saying ever: 🗣 WHEN YOU KNOW BETTER, YOU DO BETTER. 

I’m taking the first steps... and I’m gonna do what I need to... day by day. But still give myself enough grace to know that I’m human and I will fuck up. However, I still gotta give it a strong attempt... even if I fail. 

love. all ways. always. 

Lesss Be Real

 Let's be real. I normally hate the holidays. It's just another day to me. Because my family dynamic is so jacked up, I typically feel some type of way especially on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I have always wanted to change my feelings about it. But, I knew it wouldn't change until I had a family of my own or I started my own traditions. This year is completely different and I am thankful for that. I am actually excited. I have been with my significant other a year, so I am looking forward to spending time with him and his kids. I've never been in this space. I can't lie, the last 10 years have been lonely, somewhat miserable, and definitely disheartening. That's why I just chalk it up as another day and do my best not to think about it. Everyone normally has their own thing going on... and I just don't want to be bothered. I used to be sad just thinking about it, until I became numb. I used to be so hurt that my so called, "family" would only want to get together on the holidays or if someone was sick/in the hospital. We never contact each other throughout the calendar year, but now you want me to fake the funk and act like I'm happy to see you for a day? Nahhh, I'll pass. With that being said, I appreciate my friends so much more. My friends are my family. And this year I am apart of a new family and tbh it feels really good. The only thing that really sucks is I have to work, so I can't fully enjoy the day how I want to; but I am happy to be included and feel loved in the same way. I don't think I've ever felt like this.I'm just happy to start new beginnings, even if it's not what I envisioned... and that's the best part of all.

love. all ways. always. 

BJJ

And so it starts....

21 days which is equivalent to 3 weeks. It will have been a year. A year that I have been in a committed relationship with my significant other. I still can’t believe it. The fact that I still like him, even when he gets on my nerves. That speaks volumes. Because I don’t like people and my tolerance for stupidity/ignorance/ and other negativity is little to none. Throughout my life... adulthood I guess... I’ve been told that I have a wall up and I can come off as aggressive. I’ve always had a good head on my shoulders, a ‘go getta’ mentality, independent as hell, and just stayed in my lane. For a long time I thought that something was wrong with me or I would be single forever. I’m different. I’m not your average lady. I’m open minded and I do my best to see things from all angles and perspectives. 

Some men that I’ve come across couldn’t understand why I had been single for so long OR why I’m not being pursued as often as they thought I should. It came to my attention that I’m too normal for most men. I don’t have any drama. No kids. No craziness. Job, my own crib, and own car? That’s too much normalcy for a guy these days. The funny thing is I’m an introvert so I’m overwhelmingly fine with being by myself. With that being said, I don’t let just anyone into my space or my life; and many don’t understand that or don’t want to understand. I don’t want anyone in my life who can’t match me, or not bring (if not more) to the table. I’ve always known my worth. I know that I’m an amazing woman. Smart, goal oriented, a big heart, genuine, and loving. I had just been waiting on the right one, who didn’t necessarily have an ulterior motive or was on certified bullshit.

And here I am a year later happy and in love. Yes, I am still in disbelief. If you wanna make God laugh, tell HIM your plans. Life is ironic as hell. When you’re so used to things going opposite, hella negative situations, and constant rejections... you begin to think you don’t deserve happiness. You don’t think it’ll ever come, so you just become content with yourself and friends. Those who I love, love me back. I was cool with that. But deep down, I’ve always yearned for me. Now I have it and it’s a scary but, yet beautiful place to be. 

This is when self sabotage comes into play... because sub consciously we feel we aren’t worthy. OR we think something is gonna go wrong, even though everything is going right. To be real, I’m terrified. What if this is everything I imagined? What if I get dropped like a bad habit? What if? 🗣 WHAT IF!!! What if we both love each other so deeply that we find our way thru life together? What if? When I say my anxiety is on 1,000,000... that’s an understatement. Neither one of us is perfect but we balance each other out. This year has been nothing but growth. 

We’re growing together. Communicating effectively. Laughing endlessly. And whole heartedly supporting each other. This shit is scary. Of course every day isn’t peaches and cream but we make it work. I’m honest enough to say I’m afraid that this thing will work and will go the distance. For someone that’s been single the majority of her adulthood, it’s a big deal. I guess that’s why I stay in disbelief that I’ve been in a relationship almost a whole year with no real problems. Shit happens, but, it’s great to know that I have someone to go through it with. Life is hard enough on a daily basis, so we all need at least one person to help us stay soft when obstacles are thrown at us. 

I’m not sure what the future holds for us, but I’m grateful for the time and moments we’ve shared thus far. Love people while you have them. Love unconditionally. Love loud. Love fearlessly. Love whole heartedly. 

love. all ways. always.

AL

 Fall time is officially here. It's a brisk chilliness. Time to crank up the heat and dig out your favorite blankets. It's also the holiday time, which I  always dread. Anyway. Currently listening my Sade album while being in the cloud. Got me thinking about some ish. Yesterday I went to see my grandmother and it wasn't necessarily a pleasent visit. Lemme just say that my family dynamic has been abnormal for as long as I can remember. Until I was older, I never understood the demise towards her. Even myself had to stop speaking and visiting because of the mental and verbal abuse I was subjected to. Although she helped raised me, there has always been some type of meanness and anger in her heart...which trickled into her children and grandchildren. At some point I was hurt because my immediate family stopped calling and visiting my grandmother. I was like damn... no one cares about her well being enough to even check in? But, then I realized that I had to endure the abuse myself to fully understand. Anna Lara is the queen of talking shit, trying to help you out and then go off about not things her way. LOL. When I was younger she was my favorite person. I remember going along on her Avon runs, taking her spare change, sneak Burger King runs, and watching her stories with her. It was all good in my book. I never thought too much about her raising my mom until lately. The saying is true, "Parents do the best they can with what they're given." I saw that yesterday. She has bladder cancer. She is dying. She's looked the worst she ever has in life. To see her in and out consciousness was unreal. My matriach superhero is no longer invincible. For 88 years, she has been. Throughout strokes, heart attacks, triple bypass heart surgery, leg amputation, and all that's in between... she has been my 4'11 beast. I mean that in the most loving way. While I was sitting there processing what was going on... I was watching my mom tenderly combing my grandma's hair and holding her hand..with all the love in the world. 

It was a moment. I wish I could've witnessed more moments with heir true mother and daughter relationship. My mom is the baby and has always taken care of my grandmother. I'm 32 and feel like I will definitely be in that role with my mom. I'm the baby as well, and have often or been the helping hand. It's interesting to watch how life progresses and are often times generational cycles. Meanwhile, I've never dealt with death. I have had two major deaths in my life and I wasn't old enough to understand what was really going on or how to feel. The person that has had a pivotal roll in my life is now transitioning. I say I am processing, but it all feels surreal... like I'm in an alternate universe. To see my grandmother in and out of consciousness.... hurts. I feel numb. I don't think my natural feelings will come about until after she's gone. 

I'm sitting here thinking... I never hugged my grandma or said I love you. It was more of a progress report on life and how we need to get our act together. She is Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One minute she is as sweet as pie, and the next we ain't shit, never gon be shit, and we're ugly. I think she wanted the best for all of us, but didn't know how to show it without being an asshole. 

The strongest woman I know. I love you. You made Trice's Pieces the woman she is...through dysfuction and all. LOL. Say hi to Paw Paw and Lil Larry for me when you get here.