Tommy Pickles

My anxiety is on 1,000,000 and it has been since last nite. I’m getting some signs from the universe and I honestly dunno how to feel about it. I’m in a pretty good space. Feel’n more & more grown these days. And with that comes making GROWN decisions and putt’n my big girl drawz on. Lol. Everyone knows I overthink & constantly over analyze. It’s hindered me in a sense, because, I can never just outright make an executive decision. I have to talk to someone, write it out, and play the scenarios in my head over and over again. I know...🙄😩😔

Some years ago, this guy I was really into and who I thought was incredibly deep told me sum’n. He said, “time does not define love.” And I was like wow... that’s so true. It rings true in this current place of my life; and it has made me hella anxious and vulnerable. I HATE being vulnerable. I’m nervous that if I tell someone who I truly feel about them, the feeling won’t be reciprocated. This is when that motto comes into play: time does not define love. I feel like it’s too soon... but in the same sense, I can’t help how I feel. Legitimately, when I’m in... I’m all in. I know men move differently and feel differently from women. However, I gotta get it out and say what I need to say. I’m too old to be playing games at the big age of 31. I’m scared and also agitated. Lol. Agitated because now everytime I talk to this person... I wanna say it and can’t or I’m afraid of what his reaction will be.

In hindsight, I’m proud of myself. Extremely proud of myself because this time last year... I wasn’t able to be this open or honest. That goes for being vulnerable as well. So with that being said and how Tommy from the Rugrats would say: “A baby’s gotta do, what a baby gotsta do.” Lol.

Pray my strenf. In my head I swear I’ma thug... but my heart says otherwise.

love. all ways. always.

Facts, B.

Another nite, I’m lost in my thoughts at work:

Trust. It can take forever to earn and a moment to lose. I’ve never necessarily had an issue trusting people. I guess I trust people by their actions. I trust myself the most tho. 🤷🏽‍♀️ I’m a pretty solid person. I’m a woman of action. I’m a woman of my word. If I say I’ma do sum’n...I do it. It might take me a while but I’ll get it done. I pride myself on that, because most people aren’t built that way and it lowkey irks my soul. Lol. But, I have to understand that not everyone has the same thought process as me, as well as a big heart. All of my life I’ve been trust worthy. People be telling me their business for no damn reason, they trust me with their money, and all of the above. I’ve always been kinda shocked by this. Idk why. Part of me believes it’s because I whole heartedly believe in karma. Also, I suppose I have a comfortable, open and non judgemenral energy/spirit. So I would never do anything intentional to hurt someone, ESPECIALLY if they trust me. 

Last year I had a situation that rocked me, and I guess I’m still dealing with it emotionally. Clearly it wasn’t a big deal to this person because they broke my trust and thought everything was cool after one conversation. Sheeeiiittttt, I think not. It takes me longer to process some stuff. One morning I woke up to roll over and literally thought...”damn she really betrayed me, broke my trust, and violated my space” in a day. Like forreal. Nah, FORREAL. You’re grown as hell and we’ve been rocking since I was a teenager and you do some fucked up shit like this??? It makes me doubt everything our friendship/sisterhood stood for. Clearly she didn’t/doesn’t respect me or my space. With that being said, I see her for who she really is and it’s sad. 

Even though we change and evolve everyday... I know who I am. I’m as solid as they get. If I fuck with you... it’s gonna be til the wheels fall off. I definitely had to distance myself from her. I still have love for her, but damn Gina! Trust is broken and I’m pretty certain she’ll never get it back. I’m a Gemini so I don’t play those types of reindeer games. It’s a big deal that I don’t take lightly. I trust you to be exactly who you are... which is someone I don’t fuck with anymore. To be honest, I’ve never thought about the trust factor in my life because it’s NEVER been an issue. I’ve never had reason to doubt someone. In hindsight, that’s definitely a blessing. Some say I should forgive her and move on. Others say fuck her. Even after what she did, I still wish her all the love in the world. But our relationship is indefinitely on the outs, b. Deadass. Meanwhile, I’ll continue to keep being me... despite my ill feelings towards her. I forgive you but I’ll never eva eva eva EVA forget. 

I trust myself to keep being a bomb ass individual, loving, genuine, honest, articulate, cute, sassy, and hard working woman. BOOM.

Like the homie Jill Scott said, “You hurt me, but I’m healing...”

*drops mic*

love. all ways. always. 

CJ

I’m at work and my job for the night is beyond repetitive; and with that being said I’m lost in my thoughts. I was thinking about my relationship with both of my parents and how they have shaped me, whether good or bad. My thoughts primarily were geared towards my mother. She’s been through a lot and seen a lot. I love her to death, she drives me crazy, and I’m somehow just like her but totally different. I have a 50/50 mixture of both of my parents personality. Thinking of how she raised me, how big my heart is, and the resilience she has... I get from her. I understand that parent’s often do the best they can with what they’re given. I’m pretty sure she sheltered me because my sister was a wild child. lol. At 31, I can say I was definitely sheltered and didn’t find out a lot about life until adulthood., which caused me to find out things the hard way and be a later bloomer. This morning I’m thinking about how she wasn’t that present or emotionally/mentally available for me the last 10 years. I remember going months without talking to her... I didn’t wanna be bothered. Because sometimes if not often, I equate her to dysfunction and my spirit wants no parts because it is draining, as well as emotionally taxing. I still kinda feel the same but I’m old enough to understand it better. I remember one year... I was so hurt by the holidays. I talked to one of ‘mentors’ and telling her I wish that my mom was around more. And she simply replied, “Do you think that her presence would really be beneficial to you at this point?” In that moment it hit me... that it wouldn’t. It just made me incredibly sad that was my reality. Luckily around this time, my dad had start stepping up to the plate in all aspects. Financially, mentally, and emotionally. I’m so thankful that he did. Because looking back, I needed him more than I could have ever imagined. For her, I’ll always be ‘big girl’ lol. And even now I still have to respectfully check and remind her that I’m a BIG 31 years of age outchea in these streets. Although I wish I could confide in her more without thinking the worst of what she’ll say and the potential judgement that will go along with it. I really wish I had a healthier relationship with her and with my sister too. But, it won’t happen. Not because I’m being mean or anything but it’s my reality and I accept it. I’ve found out a lot on my own. Some I’ve learned the hard way. 

I am def the opposite of my family. Like polar opposite. I subscribe to peace, love, and healing... not constant drama, misery, and dysfunction. I’ll always feel some type of way about it. In the meantime I’m doing my best to break generational curses. The goal is to be better and do better in all capacities in my life. I recently made a major executive decision. I’m keeping it to myself and a select few. It is what it is. I wish I could disclose it to my family without thinking they would potentially have an ulterior motive. *Kanye shrug* 

However, I should thank God more often than I do. Because I really have a big heart and I’ll do almost anything for people I care about. I only do for those that will reciprocate the same energy. I wish I could do the same for my family... mainly my mom and sister but it won’t happen cuz they’ll take advantage, whether they mean to or not. Fucked up, right? I know. Stability is all I’ve ever wanted since I can remember. Even tho it’s sad I feel like this... all I can worry about it is me. And pray they get it together before it’s too late. I know I’m a great person. I have my mom’s great qualities, as well as the bad ones. I am her daughter. Lol. Someone told me once to not judge her, but just let her be. With that being said... I’m still working and healing on myself. I guess a part of me is doing it for her too. Nonetheless, that’s my heart and my headache, but I’m just tryna be better. That’s what she wants for me anyway. I love her for that. 

It’s love. All ways. Always.

6262820

If love is a choice, why am I so nervous and over analytical about it? My stomach feels queasy, mind is racing, and heart beat is increasing rapidly. Baby Jesus, why?!? To be a late bloomer in life makes me itch. Itch, why? Because it feels like I should’ve had certain experiences more than once by now. Like being in love. I know we can’t necessarily predict the future, because it doesn’t exist. The most we should do is take life day by day while being present in the PRESENT. With that being said, I know I can’t be afraid of the days ahead... all I can do is embrace it & move accordingly. The fear of heartbreak & rejection plagues me.  Why is it so easy to tell my good friends I love them; & when it comes to a significant other I OVERTHINK every emotion I have??? Also, add in that I’m a Gemini and hate being vulnerable.  It’s too early to say sum’n. So I’ll just keep my thoughts & feelz to myself. As I’m writing this Sade - Stronger Than Pride is playing. THIS WAS NOT INTENTIONAL. Fawk my life. 🤦🏽‍♀️ We can be our own worst enemies sometimes. But, I’m doing my best to go with it and if it’s meant to be, I’ll continue to go with it and enjoy the journey ahead. 

Janet Jackson

Controooooollll *Janet Jackson voice*

I don't know why by the word 'control' has been stuck in my mind like the last two weeks. Why? (insert Kanye shrug). Maybe it's because I am taking control over my life, or at least certain aspects. I'm becoming to realize that once you turn 30+... your fux really do go out the window. You become more self aware, you know when you're bouta participate in some fuck shit and you can actively call yourself out on it, annnnnddddd you become more settled within yourself but with the intent of consistently improving yourself. Not only that, your circle will begin to shrivel. That's not necessarily the case for me because my circle has been small. Throughout my adulthood my Pops has always told me, "Who is gon be with you, is gon be with you." Makes sense to me and it is also incredibly accurate. My mind is forever going a mile a minute and is a playground for overthinking. I can't help it...it's just the way I'm wired. However, over the last year I've gotten a lot better. Whenever I want to freak out, panic, or overthink....one of my bestest friends tells me: "We just gon go with it." I look at her and say BUT. She stares me down and says it again: "WE JUST GON GO WITH IT." So, I've adopted the policy and I'm just going with it. And with that being said...

We all have some type of dysfunctional ways and/or patterns. One of mine is self sabotage. I know I am not the only one who deals with it. I am doing my damnest to control it. I say this all the time but its so fucking true: when you are constantly rejected and things don't work it; we often become a pessimist. I'm still working through it. It is definitely a terrifying feeling. Because when something good comes into your life; whether it be an opportunity, a relationship, a job, a friendship...we become hella skeptical. Or at least that's my situation (*cue eye roll*). It is beyond hard not to self sabotage. To be honest, I am very good at it... matter of fact it should be on my resume. LISSSEENNN LINDA... the struggle is real!!! Lol. I am clear of my intentions tho and I know when I'm about to do or say some fucked up shit. CONTROOOOLLLLLL. Whew chile, Janet be knowin'. I'm not sure of how to break through this negative trait about myself. Maybe I should Google it...I'm sure an extreme about of articles will pop up.

On this Friday afternoon/early evening I am wholeheartedly admitting this to myself. The key is I am aware. I want to change it. I want to embrace all the good in my life... even if it's momentary. I don't like being a pessimist, nor self sabotaging. Never my intention... but we're all human. And with that, I vow to do better and be better ANNNNNDDDD I'ma just go with it. I'ma also be like Nike and JUST DO IT, while taking Auntie Janet's advice to CONTRROOOOLLLLL this shit. Happiness is hard, sometimes we gotta work for it,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LH8xbDGv7oY

Gratitude

Thank God. Thankful for peace. Thankful for love. Thankful for the present of being present. Thankful for stillness. Thankful for the ability to always be myself. Thankful to just be... in all capacities. It’s a new year and not too much has changed. This space I’m in feels different. Not too worried about things. Constantly learning how to entertain the gray, while taking life day by day. It honestly seems to make my life a bit easier. I have to sometimes remind myself of the things I once wanted, and they seemed so far fetched. I remember the days I used to pray for those things. Now I have them and I’m just grateful. Gratitude really goes a long way. From the smallest to the largest. Being healthy, having my own space, the ability to work, people who love me, a car, bills being paid, and just being a genuine individual. The strength I’ve had to pull from places within me that I didn’t know I had... to endure situations/experiences that felt like they were gonna kill me. Yet, I’m still standing. Gratitude, baby. The smallest things make all the difference and really helps to put life in perspective. I’m grateful to know that I’m a good person, I have a good heart, and I do my best to right by people. And the majority of my  adulthood that energy is recognized, as well as reciprocated. 

Just a moment to be grateful...

WINNIN'

twenty one days. 21 freakin' days until a new decade. 21 days until 2020, how ironic. wow. this year has been.... exhausting to say the least. if this year was a person in a car driving... they would look at you and say, "but, did you die?" meanwhile you're holding onto your seat belt for dear life. I learned a lot about myself this year and life in general. We always talk about self care these days, but we don't know how to enforce it. Or at least that was the case for me. We change every day. As cliche as it might sound...I have LITERALLY started to take things day by day; and not fret about the future so much. I know I talk about it a lot, but, it's my truth. The struggle of dealing with ongoing depression and anxiety is high key life threatening. I am literally fighting for my life. Drastic? Yes. I don't want to succumb to and go down that rabbit hole like this summer. That was a terrifying place to be. And yet, here I stand to go on and be the best version of myself possible. 2019 was crazy. Alotta shit happened. Friendships ending and reconciling, therapy, changing jobs, family drama, and everything in between. In hindshight, it felt like this year was going to break me, but, it didn't. I'm not gonna say that I'm in the best place at the moment, however, I'm doing okay. The last two weeks I have come to realize that I NEED to diligently work on my happiness; even if that means creating a lane specifically for myself. I have so many ideas that are in my mind... to the point that it is overwhelming. In a sense, I know that God put me in this situation for a reason and the opportunity at hand wasn't necessarily for me, even as bad as I wanted it to be. At first it was beyond difficult for me to accept it, but I had to. Sometimes if not often...things/people/places are not meant for us. 

Today a good friend of mine asked if I was happy. I was like ehhh kinda despite the job situation. He asked again, "are you happy?" I said ehhh again. He asked once more and I was honest with myself and said no. BUT, I'm working on it. He said no job, no person, nothing from the outside can really make you happy. You gotta be happy with yourself first. I already knew that but he said it with such conviction. Lol. I'm so grateful for friends that encourage, support, and love on me when necessary. As frustrating as it is to be back at square one...I guess it's needed. 

In the process I am learning how to continuously and consistently do better and be better. And UNlearning anything and everything that is toxic to my well being. Whew chiiiilllleeee, it is A LOT. But, that's okay because Rome wasn't built in a day. #BARZ. 

Lettuce (LET US) pray that 2020 will be more blessed, prosperous, peaceful, joyful, loving, and happier than ever before. In this moment, I am honest with myself. There were times that I didn't want to be on this earth. I was hurting. Hurting incredibly bad, frustrated, and just exhausted of wanting things to work out and they never did/do. I'm saying this because...by the grace of God I am typing these words. I am grateful that I am here and I don't take it for granted. I know my existence in this world is for a reason and a purpose. I have yet to figure it out, but that's okay. DAY BY DAY is the motto. I'm always looking for the silver lining in things and in life. I can say that 2019 was definitely one for the books... the good, the bad, and the in between. 

So here's to 2020 being AMAZING in every sense of the word. Please pray for my strength, courage, diligence, patience and peace to continue being a better version of myself; also curating a better life for myself. And, I'll do the same for you. LOVE. Always. All WAYS.