Low & behold

I hate it when people say calm down and don’t overthink! How? HOW? questions that need answers. Today I realized that overthinking is definitely a form of self sabotage. And I do not know how to turn this off. Cuz once it starts, ain’t no going back. It’s scary. My mind constantly racing, as well as my heart. That happens and the most drastic decision happens, based on the situation going on. For me there is no gray area. Strictly black and white. There is no alternative or no ‘meeting halfway’ or compromise. My therapist told me once to entertain the gray. I did and it wasn’t too bad. But now I’m back to square one and it sux. At the moment I’m not sure how to confirm if it’s God’s voice or my ability to self sabotage. I honestly don’t know how to differentiate the two. My OG told me to pray about until God reveals what to do next. BUTTTTT, I don’t have the words to say. It’s extremely weird being in this place. I’m all for growth but this shit hurts. Growth… ( if you’re up for the challenge), is a doozy. So many things I’m learning & unlearning, unpacking my baggage while simultaneously being in a relationship. I legitimately feel crazy. Crazy because it seems like almost every two weeks, I’m in my thoughts or box o feelz. While fighting through not shutting down…. maybe God is tryna tell me sum’n. I am all over the place. But, I’m beginning to think I’m the problem. What I often feel seems/sounds valid, until I say it aloud or vent to someone. Then overthinking comes into play. Yes, you can tell me all day long to calm down or say, “It’s not that deep.” OH, but it is! Everything and I do mean EVERYTHING I feel is… INTENSE. I hate it. I hate that I can’t just let things roll off my back. I hate that after a conversation with someone, I think of all the things I said or shouldn’t say. I hate the fact that I always wonder what people think about me and it’s none of my concern. I hate the fact that I’m even writing these words at the moment. You see? So, it’s a lot… for me. Overthinking is not something I ever intended to do. It takes you towards a downward spiral that leads to even more severe anxiety and depression. Anxiety in itself is crippling, and add overthinking to the mix? Lordt have mercy. I’m doing my best to cope and take things day by day, but I can’t. My anxiety is overwhelming at the moment. I can recognize & acknowledge where I am in life… emotionally & mentally. I kinda feel like I’m drowning in my own misery and I’m the only person that can save me. As I’ve gotten older, I really see how your mental health can affect you. Dealing with depression, severe anxiety doesn’t define me and I’ll never let it. However, it’s definitely plays a major role in my life on the daily. I’m not claiming anything negative, letting the Devil have his way, or putting it into the universe. I’m stating FACTS. Despite me currently feeling like this… I am really proud of myself. Granted I’m still working on myself a lot, I’ve come a long way… and still a long way to go. I can’t wait to get my ass back in therapy. Hopefully REALLY REALLY soon. It helped me work out some issues within myself and other people. It’s that time again. I know what I deserve. And I know it starts with me. I know I can’t receive my blessings if I’m self sabotaging. God knows it too… that’s prolly why it’s so intense in my spirit. He be KNOWIN’. lol. I’m glad I got this off my chest. I feel just a tad bit lighter…

love. all ways. always. 

Angel Hands

Posted up in the cut waiting to clock out from work and go home. I’ve had alotta idle time while working this morning, which means I’ve been thinking. The last week or so has been turmoil for me, moreso mentally and emotionally. I suppose physically too, because my body has been hurting non stop. When my body hurts like this it’s stress and anxiety. Today is the first morning in about 2 weeks that I kinda feel okay. I know that’s only from God and the people in my life that are genuinely praying for me. I need it. Some days are better than others. The last month has been extremely difficult. One of my good friend’s pointed out that I’m currently dealing with trauma, which that’s actually accurate af. I lost my grandmother due to bladder cancer, I have disheartening images of her on a gurney, tryna be there/support my mom… all while my sibling is being an ignorant jack ass on social media AND in real life. So yes, it’s been a doozy. I don’t wanna trip anymore… my birthday is coming up in 6 days and I don’t wanna go into 33 being incredibly depressed. I wanna get back into some type of normalcy. I suppose I should continue taking my own advice, “day by day.” I’ve realized that I have to be gentle with myself and offer myself grace, considering that everything is affecting me at the moment. I hate when someone asks me, “Are you ok?” I REALLY wanna say, “🗣 NO NIGGA, I’m not okay… I’m fucking depressed… stop talking to me.” But I can’t…

That’s why I’ve been doing my best to reach out to my friends that know me well. Because they know (for the most part) what patterns are, especially when I shut down. I honestly hate shutting down, because my caring bone goes away. I ignore texts, phone calls, and any other type of communication. Trust me, it’s not intentional… it’s how I cope. And unfortunately, when I shut down… it does more harm than good. But when you’re in that deep dark hole of depression… you literally want to be left alone. You feel numb, hopeless, discouraged, disconnected and overwhelmingly sad. It’s a hard to bounce back. So not only am I dealing with depression & anxiety… but I have to adult daily too??? LISSSSEEEENNNN. I don’t have time. I have too many goals to accomplish this year for the nonsense. But, remember the word GRACE? Gotta give myself enough grace and space (hey, that rhymes 😉) to grieve how I need to and feel how I need to, without being too hard on myself or feeling guilty. It’s just hella emotions tied into one, so forgive me if I’m rambling. Moral of the story is… today… this morning… I feel God’s grace and some type of peace. I am humbly grateful that my inner circle is praying for me, cuz I desperately need it. My angels are looking over me. I know they are cuz I feel it. It’s still hard to cope, but I’m making it thru. If you read this, I’m still asking for prayer/positive thoughts/good energy. I’m just thankful that today is better than what it has been…

Whew…

Not even sure where to begin. My grandmother passed 2 weeks ago. Some days have been better than others, and other days have been miserable. I’m still in disbelief that she’s gone. I keep looking at her picture… thinking how could this be. Even though she had a lot of health problems throughout the years, I believed she lived a good life in her 89 years. This week my anxiety has been at an all time high. I’ve never dealt with death with someone so close to me. So I guess I’m doing ok considering the circumstance. Friday was the viewing and yesterday was the memorial. I won’t go into full details, but Friday was the ultimate shit show. I’ve never felt so much rage and so much anger against one person, that I wanted to bodily harm. That’s how I feel about my sibling. I’m more convinced now than ever that some people are just meant to be messy & live a miserable life. Although the viewing was a hot ass mess… the memorial was lovely. Only thing I didn’t care for was my family tryna be all fake (just certain ones). My friends came to support me & I’ll forever be grateful for that. Them showing up let me know that I am loved, supported, and acknowledged. Today… today is Mother’s Day…. and I’m feeling some type of way.  Moreso numb and disconnected I guess. I’m not really sure what to do with myself. I called my mom this morning to wish her a HMD. This is whole situation has me wanting to love on her more, cuz tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us. I just need to get back to some type of normalcy. I haven’t wanted to leave the house or be productive. Is this was grief feels like? Because it’s heavy,. Processing all of these emotions is… a lot. I’m just tryna cope the best way I can. 

love. all ways. always.

Missin’ U

It’s been a week since you’ve been gone and I’m still in disbelief. I hate feeling like this. A piece of me is gone & it’s never coming back. I get why people say, “My condolences, or I’m sorry for your loss.” doesn’t mean anything. I totally understand now. Those sentiments do not make me feel any better, it still makes me want to burst out in tears. Your memorial is coming up & I’m dreading it. Not ready to say goodbye. Another part of me is ready, just so I can properly grieve how I need to. Grieving/mourning feels A LOT like depression, & that’s not a place I want to be. For the longest time it’s been just us... me, my mom, my gma, & my sister. Now you’re gone & idk what to do or how to feel. They say grief is ongoing & everyone deals with it differently. It is definitely a large blow to me personally. I will say that today has been the easiest day of the week. I’ve been a little bit more talkative & cool to be around. I know the pain of you being gone will never go away but hopefully it gets easier. I keep looking at your pictures thinking man you were mean, but also super sweet (when you wanted it to be, lol). You were indeed a sour patch kid. You loved us to the best of of your ability. Sometimes you went all the way left, but I believe your heart was in the right place. I’m thankful for the prayers from people that are close to me. Day by day, it gets slightly easier. 

love. all ways. always.

👑 ALB for life.

ALB

It’s been 4 days since you’ve been gone and I still can’t wrap my mind around it. I always knew this day would come, but in the back of my mind I’ve always thought you were invincible... cuz you are high key a superhero. I can’t fathom all of the things you went thru... all of the things you witnessed in your 89 years. You can never really prepare yourself for death... it just comes and unfortunately it’s a natural part of life. I’m not necessarily thinking of negative stories of you and I. I’m moreso thinking about how I lost my grandmother. The woman that helped raised me. All the images that come to mind are from 4 days ago. Your body laying there and being ice cold when I gave you a kiss on the forehead. Anne Laura is and was a beast. Very complicated woman who definitely had a mean streak. But, I think that comes from the era she grew up in. Parents/grandparents often do the best they can with what they’re given. I loved hearing her talk about my granddaddy and all of her side hustles back in the day. How she wanted all of us to be well off and doing good in life. This wave of grief/sadness is overwhelming to the point that it makes me numb. I have alotta feelings. Not really ill feelings but just the disbelief that she’s gone. I wish that I would’ve went to see her more. But I just couldn’t see her in such an ailing/fragile state. It hurt my soul to see her like that. I’ll forever miss her saying, “Well hey there Trice. I’m happy to see you.” Whenever I would pop up on her. Seeing her on that gurney is haunting me. I pray that her soul is in heaven. I’m beyond sad. No one anything says to me will make me feel better. My last living grandparent is gone. We all knew it was a matter of time. Years ago, I remember you talking about it and your funeral arrangements. I would tune you out cuz I didn’t want to think about you dying. And yet, here we are. I have pretty good memories of you. Me taking you to the doctor, grocery store, our random phone calls. Also when I was little you taking me to Burger King and letting me get a whopper with cheese (cuz I couldn’t have cheese when I was younger. 🙄😩). All the times I got in trouble and you told my mama don’t mess with me.😂 you always asking me if I’ve eaten when I’d pop up at your house. The fact that you always asked if I had a boyfriend, which will forever be hilarious to me cuz you loved to gossip. Anne Laura, I’m hurting right now. But I know you’ve been hurting for YEARS. That alone doesn’t ease my pain. There’s so many things to say, but none of it really matters because I can’t tell you. My 4’11 little lady. Whew...

Not gonna say goodbye but more of a ‘see ya later.’ I know you’re watching over me & I hear you saying not to be sad & to stop crying but I can’t help it. It’s been rough going thru everyday life the last 4 days. All I can think of is you being gone. You loved us so hard. You went hard for everybody. Even when you were being crazy. It’s in our DNA to be strong. Although I can’t be strong enough to deal with this but I’ll do my best for you. 

Anyone who reads this, I just ask that you pray for my family & I. ❤️

Big Age

Peace, love, and souuuullllll. Been a minute since I wrote. This is a random thought: but, for the most part I love the older people I work with. Sometimes they’re a little messy with gossip but they always drop major gems. For some reason I’ve always resonated with older people, and that’s probably why everyone calls me old. I love my blankets, I don’t mind going to bed early, and just my overall demeanor. 😂💁🏽‍♀️ I love the fact that no matter how old they are, they see the potential in me... they see I’m a good person with a good head on my shoulders. That’s always made me feel so good about myself. Cuz you know old(er) people LOVE to talk shit about the younger generation. Recently I started going to the gym after YEARS of needing it. I’m not gonna lie, it feels good to be in this space. Knowing that I am actively & diligently working on becoming the best version of myself. It’s funny tho, all the old heads I talk to are like... “Just keep going, don’t give up. You’re young. Go ahead and make it happen.” To hear them say I’m young makes me subconsciously laugh. Technically I am. At 32, I am still young. Unfortunately society dictates otherwise. My dad will be 68 in a couple of months & all he ever says is “Keep on living. Hopefully you make it to this age.” And he’s right. If not often, we think that once we hit our 30s that we’re officially old. However, that couldn’t be more further from the truth. Luckily, both my parents have good genes & I look like I’m still in my 20s. 🙏🏽 Age is definitely is a stigma & it’s really a mindset. I’m not even gonna lie, 32 has been good to me. I’ve actually enjoyed it. While in your 30s, alotta things make more sense and it’s more of... ‘I ain’t got time for the bullshit and it is what it is’ type of mindset. And I fully support it. It’s a lot more smoother, more awareness of self, & accepting things for what they are & not what you want them to be. Like my Pops said, ‘Keep on living.’ Everyday ain’t peaches and cream, but, gotta keep on moving regardless of what’s happening. In this moment, I’m grateful to be the big age of 32. Cuz people are dying now more than ever, especially in this pandemic. Slow & steady on this health journey. I’m not just tryna be summa time fine at 32, but the rest of my life. I appreciate everyone who’s keeping me encouraged, supported, & loved on. You know what? It’s love.... all ways, always. 

Take It Easy.

Ayoooooooooooooo.

It’s been awhile. It is officially Feb 1st. Of course I played ‘1st of the Month’ by Bone Thugs N Harmony on repeat several times for the culture. January kinda zoomed by. I’m happy it’s a new month... cuz it creates more opportunities to accomplish unfinished goals. I’m not gonna lie, the last couple of weeks have been extremely overwhelming. Of course I never display said worries. 🙄 I just handle it the best way I can. But, my mind, spirit, and heart are extremely heavy. Primarily because I haven’t done anything I’ve needed to do. Tbh, I’m frustrated with myself. So I’m starting off fresh this month. I’m telling myself: “Continue to take things day by day, BUT, be intentional with whatever you need to do and get accomplished.” When I get off work later this morning, I intend on buying a planner for this year. I function better when I write things down and write them out. I feel so unbelievably guilty for not accomplishing anything the last couple of weeks. All I do is come home from work, chill, sip some wine, shower, hit the cloud, and go to sleep. I suppose I feel guilty, because I know I should be more productive. But then there’s rest. I need a lot of that. Even with the pandemic going on, I really enjoy being at home and not doing anything. 🤷🏽‍♀️ It seems like the older I get, the more I’m okay with not doing anything. Even going to the grocery store has become an actual errand. In a sense, I have become complacent... a place that no one should want to be. I’m subconsciously hiding from my growth.... I don’t wanna deal with that pain. The same pain I dealt with when I was therapy. Side note: I need to take my ass back to therapy. I’m actually looking forward to it. Anyway. I always speak about becoming the best version of yourself. I’m not gonna lie... I want the easy way out. I don’t wanna put the work in. Why? Cuz the honest answer is, I’m lazy and I’m not ready. When it comes to change... we can never be quite ready. I’m the type of person that can’t necessarily ‘talk’ about it constantly. I actually have to jump in and just do it. But I’m afraid. Afraid of what? Afraid to push through the limits that will allow me to be my best self. I’ve been taking it easy. Even tho easy doesn’t get you where you need to be... it’s the comfort factor and the comfort level that allows you to become stagnant. I vowed to myself in my early 20s... that I would never become that person. Yet... here I am. Ugh! See how frustrating I feel just writing this entry. What sums it up is... and most cliché saying ever: 🗣 WHEN YOU KNOW BETTER, YOU DO BETTER. 

I’m taking the first steps... and I’m gonna do what I need to... day by day. But still give myself enough grace to know that I’m human and I will fuck up. However, I still gotta give it a strong attempt... even if I fail. 

love. all ways. always.