Changes

Been a min since I’ve updated my status in life. I’m not honestly sure how I feel. I’m doing my best to take my own advice, which is continuing to take it day by day and not fret about the future too much.  Although I’m uncertain of my emotions of the moment... I’m optimistic of my future, work wise. It feels like the options are limitless. And for that, I’m thankful. Everything else in my life at the moment... I’m indifferent about. What I’ve realized about myself the last couple of months is, it takes me longer to process stuff... esp when someone does something fucked up to me. I have alotta thoughts in my head at the moment, so forgive me if I’m just rambling. Lol. Alotta changes have happened over the last 6 months. Including my mentality. I’ve had to forgive myself and others as well. I’ve had to start taking medication to help control my depression/anxiety. I see life a lot clearer. Some days are still somewhat foggy but I don’t feel... as heavy. Everyday isn’t a cake walk, however, I can cope a helluva lot better than I ever could before. That in itself is crazy to me. Folks have done some fucked up shit to me, especially this year. I ain’t realize how hard healing really is. Or how hard forgiveness is. That? That forgiveness is a whole notha beast. But I know that I need to do it... in order to keep healing and not be burdened by something or someone that’s irrelevant. I’ve also relalized that... I need to desperately get away from the space I’m in... meaning Indiana. Even though I always stay in my lane and mind my business, other people’s drama affects me. As much as I talk about moving to another state, I’m afraid. Complacency has never helped anyone, but more like hindered. I need to figure out a life WITHOUT drama, esp my family members. I guess I’m afraid because this is where my support system is... and I desperately NEED them. I need them more than my actual family. Hell, they are my family. 

I’m mentally and emotionally entering a new chapter in my life. And so far, it’s been a smooth transition. Like I said before, alotta shit has rocked me emotionally and mentally this year. By God’s grace... I’m still standing. Change will continue to happen whether we want it to or not. It’s just how we adapt and react. I pray that I keep that same mentality while I’m healing and working on the Trice I wanna be...

Revelations 24:7

I remember the days when I hoped/prayed for what I have now. All I’ve ever really wanted is stability and a peace of mind. To have that is a blessing in itself. There’s so much chaos going in the world; that I just wanna take a moment to reflect. I don’t have a lot, but I’m appreciate for what I do have. Cuz I remember the days that I didn’t and I yearned for it. And I know that I can only go up from here. I’m simple and I don’t require a lot to be happy. Although, I understand that happiness comes from within. I’m diligently working on it. And I think the first step is acknowledging what I’m grateful for. Everyday isn’t peaches & cream... but I look at the bigger picture and that keeps me optimistic, as well as encouraged. To look around and know that I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, a decent car, endless opportunities and seemingly healthy. Blessed. 

Peace & love. All ways. Always. 

Scaredy Cat

And another one...*DJ Khaled voice*

That’s what I think when I wake up in the morning. Doing my best to continue taking it day by day. My anxiety is still on 100, pretty much all the time but I’m pushing thru. I had the realest epiphany yesterday. I am... scared. I often talk about the person I want to become, but, in actuality I’m afraid. I’m afraid of undoing/unbecoming of everything I am to become who I’m destined to be. Maybe all these trials & tribulations this year is literally to help me undo my current self & becomebetter. To get rid of my negative neuropaths & to build new ones. Possibly to take better care of myself...etc.  The thought in itself is beyond terrifying & overwhelming. Like the idea of wanting to be better & do better is GREAT. But, realistically it’s not that easy. I guess the key is consistency & discipline, which is where I lack in a major way. But, I just have to keep reminding myself day by day. Literally day by day... because if I think too ahead into the future I begin to spiral. I’m slowly recognizing this about myself. Also, I’m realizing that I need to create boundaries. We’re 8 months into the year & I can honestly say so far... 2019 has been a doozy. I can’t lie tho... part me still wants to disassociate myself from the world & go MIA. The other part of me is beginning to understand that timing is EVERYTHING. And maybe everything that I’ve been going thru the last 10 years for this particular moment. I’ll always be a scaredy cat in a sense, but I have a little bit of peace knowing that trouble don’t last always. Not only that, but if I’ve been down... the only way to go is up. 

LOVE. 

No pants

This diagnosis is real. I’m really doing my best to stay sane. But some days are better than others and some are just... heavy. Currently at work on the verge of tears. It feels like a wave turning into a sea of emotions coming over me. I can’t necessarily explain this sadness. I’m tired of fighting. I just wanna succumb to it all. I’m not okay but yet I have to pretend to be. I hate that my emotions are all on my face. I have people in my life that love, support, and pray for me/with me. But, I feel like I’m draining them and that’s a heavy burden to bear. Because I know my current state causes them to worried and be concerned. 

In this moment, I feel like I could just walk outta work and never come back. However, I know I can’t do that... cuz your bills don’t care if you’re depressed or not. I still have to pay my rent, electric bill, phone bill etc. I just wanna be in seclusion and stay there. I’ve already shut down within the last 2 weeks, which made one of my good friends come two days in row...banging on my door and calling me non stop. Of course I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone or see anyone. I’m doing my damnest not to go back there. But I really want to... I desperately want to. Seclusion feels like my best friend at the moment. It all feels too heavy. I just wanna gohome, have no pants on with a comforter over my head and be in the dark. 
Pray for me... please

Untitled

I just got home... maybe about 30 mins ago. It’s been a long day, per usual. Still sad. Still numb. Still feeling a way...😔 While I was driving... rightbefore I got to my apartment complex... a thought popped up into my head. As much as people have been saying that they love me lately and saying that they need me. I’ve lowkey convinced myself it’s not true. I think if I was gone today, no one would truly miss me. No one would need me.I don’t even know what I bring to someone’s life that they would need me so much. In this space I’m in, no one’s love matters. Cuz I don’t matter. Truth is I’m terrified to live and I’m terrified to die. There is no balance. There is no gray area. It’s black or white. I just wanna disappear. People can forget all about me. I’m just —- empty. 

655

I’m not sure what time I went to sleep and turned the tv off. I just know that I’ve been crying off and on all day. It’s currently raining and my mood is beyond bleak. I’ve had myself wrapped up in a comforter all day on the couch. I’m still not in the space to necessarily talk to anyone, but I have been texting and attempting to reach out. I guessed what I realized is true about myself. I havea really intense energy about myself. And those that are close to me and who know me well, KNOW something is off and not right. It hurts because I can no longer put on this facade. If anything, I am a fighter. But... I —— I’m so exhausted. So tired. When I was in Terra Haute, I was severely depressed for months and no one knew except for my boyfriend at the time. He was my only support system. So I could easily put on a mask and pretend everything was okay; because no one was around me or checking on me like that. Now that I’ve moved home... it’s the total opposite and it’s scary. I have people blowing up my phone, stopping by my house knocking on my door relentlessly because I’m not answering and everything else that’s in between. It’s scary. It’s scary someone loves me this much. It’s scary that someone can feel my energy or spirit that much that they have the need to check on me. I also think because I’m older now, I definitely can fake the funk how I used to. 

I have been depressed for YEARS. I think this is the worst that it’s ever been. You know some days are better than others. But lately, I just... don’twanna deal with anything or anyone. I have had suicidal thoughts before, but it was mainly because of the environment I was in when I was livingwith my sister. Now... I understand why someone could so easily take their own life. My thought process is.. I don’t know what to do or where to go. I just wanna eliminate all the pain, agony, misery, frustration, hurt, and confusion. To be honest, I’m 50/50 with it. I don’t actually have the courage to do anything to myself. It just sounds like an easy solution for the time being. I’m not necessarily thinking about who I’d be hurting, who I’dbe leaving behind, etc. So with that... my second thought process is... “well, what good am I doing for people? Why do they love me in the first place? I don’t really matter. I’d be better off gone.” 

All of these thought go through my head often. I’m not thinking of anyone else’s pain, except my own. I just wanna stop all the hurt and all the sadness that I’ve been feeling for years. I’m a mess. And all I can keep thinking is I’m depleted andexhausted... what else do I have left to give? Cuz my spirit is empty and so is my being.

7:17pm

Different eyes.

Happiness. We all strive for peace, love, and happiness. To be real, I don’t think I’ve ever been happy. I’ve had ‘happy’ moments and experiences. I may have even at one point been a happy child. But going thru my teenage years up until now... I haven’t been happy. Life often times plague me. I self sabotage. I overthink. I over analyze. I panic. It is never my intention to do these things. But, it is what it is. The last 6 months I have grown drastically. A lot of forgiveness, healing, and evolving has happened. That in itself is a blessing. In this moment, I feel how I did in 2011. I am frustrated. I am tired of being in survival mode. I am anxious. I am overwhelmed. I woke up this morning from a not so great sleep. As I was getting up and began to get ready for work. I looked in the mirror and I saw nothing but sadness on my face and in my eyes. I began to break down in massive tears. I triggered my own self. Still getting ready and looked in the mirror again, and busted out the ugly cry... yet again. I headed to work feeling some type of way. Everyone keeps asking if I’m ok... and I just give em the slow head nod or say, “I’m just tired.”

I text my sis something that I should never ever say. She called me 3 mins after that. I quickly walked to the bathroom & as she’s talking, I break down in the ugly cry yet again. Can’t say I necessarily felt better after the brief convo. I just wanted to stay in the bathroom and keep crying. My eyes have been heavy all day.

I vowed to never get this low or get to this point in life again. Yet, here I am. I have no obligations, except for myself. I sometimes wonder why people are friends with me, why they like me, or what it is that I bring to their life. Would it even matter if I left this world? In reality, I am terrified to die. But, idk what else to do with myself. 

I’ve always said that I know that God has a purpose for me that’s bigger and better than anything I’ve ever seen. However, idk what my purpose is. Idk how to go about finding it. Maybe God is allowing me to hit rock bottom first. It hurts me to even type these words out. I’m just... tired. Ironically, and esp as of lately people have told me that my eyes look different. I guess it’s because I can no longer put on the facade that I am ok.  I’m not. I haven’t had this feeling in 8 years. I never wanted to come back to this mind state. I’ve been fighting this mental state for almost the past month. But, this morning it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am officially numb. 

On my way to work this morning I slightly thought about running my car into the guard rail. I just wanna go to sleep and don’t wake up. I’m not sure if I actually mean these words at the moment... but just know I’m in a fog that I can’t get out of. I did manage to say a prayer this morning before I walked into work but I still feel the same.

Is the universe tryna tell me something? Does the devil have me under attack? Is this God’s way of pulling me closer to him? Cuz at this point... I don’t really believe my life will get better. It feels like a never ending cycle of the same shit. I just... don’t know anymore.