Love. Live Life. Proceed. Progress

I wish I could convey into words of how I feel at the moment. I feel like no matter how much I talk about it… no one really gets it. I’ve literally been in my bubble and staying to myself lately. My OG told me to sit still and listen to God’s voice; which I’ve been doing my best to do so. I’ve been cool lately, but yesterday it hit me… probably the main reason why I didn’t get too much sleep before work. 

I haven’t been sad in awhile, but today I feel all of it, every emotion. I guess I’m sad because I know what has to be done. I don’t want to be single. I really don’t. Tbh, everyone knows it’s slim pickings outchea. I don’t wanna date and get to know someone new. No desire, at all. 🙅🏽‍♀️. I’m 33 years old with no children. Yes, the world is my oyster… however it currently doesn’t feel like that. I want a family. I want someone that’s going to return all the love I give and then some. What’s crazy to me is…, I just realized it, but, in this particular situation…. I’ve literally given all that I have. In every sense of the word. I’ve been fighting myself for awhile, but it’s time to listen to my intuition. I’m hurt. I’m sad, I’m frustrated.

To know that I wanted to spend my life with someone, and now I’m choosing to be single? It’s a weird space to be in. Extremely weird. 

Even tho my spirit is everywhere… this is the best choice at the moment. I’ve lost myself. I recognize this and I have to change it. Being self aware sometimes sux, especially when you love yourself AND others love you enough to call out the bullshit that’s happening. 

I will say that I’m proud of myself. For knowing when to walk away, especially when you know you have given all you have and then some. I’ve always been different and had a different type of heart, which is a major blessing. However, alotta people don’t know what to do with it. I love hard and I never realized it until I got in this relationship. 

At this point, I’m just tryna keep my peace and sanity without going into a downward spiral of depression. It’s hard. Really hard, especially now that I have made an executive decision.  I’m still a little unsure, but this discernment that I’ve been praying for is incredibly intense. And with that being said… if you read this, pray for your girl. These growing pains are a doozy…

love. all ways. always.

Jus Chill

An interesting time for me. A fork in the road, to say the least. I’ve tapped into my vulnerability A LOT the last 2 years. And yet, here I am struggling to make an executive decision. I guess I’m still learning how to truly listen to my intuition. It’s very difficult for me. In hindsight, I always try to do things the right way and a lot of the time it doesn’t work out. So where does that leave me? In doubt, frustration, & confusion. However, I can say at this moment… I’m processing better than what I would’ve in the past. I am aware of what’s going on. And no matter what I decide, no one is going to be happy. While exploring life and love simultaneously, I’ve learned to love/care so deeply, be more open/understanding and challenging myself emotionally. I’ve expanded boundaries and taken more accountability than ever. For a long time I didn’t think this was possible. I didn’t know think that I would ever feel love so deeply or find a companion that really GOT ME. And then, I found someone. My whole life shifted. Shifted for the better. It’s been scary but I can honestly say that I’ve been better for the journey. In the beginning I didn’t so much question a lot of things or emotions, because I was just happy. But, now? I have to question everything because… I don’t want to settle from me making someone else incredibly comfortable. That’s a joy I have. To make people happy, comfortable etc. There are little things that eventually show up in big form. My feelings feel crazy, but I know that they’re valid. This is when I have to listen to my intuition AND God’s voice. I’m sitting still and processing without the beast of overthinking/panicked.

I can’t lie and say my anxiety isn’t on overdrive but I’m handling things a lot better than I have in the past…(or at least I think I am)…

One thing I’ve learned about myself is… despite me ‘loving hard’ and wanting things to work out for themselves… I can walk away. Yes, love will be there all ways. But in this season, it’s time to get back to me… plant more seeds of self love and continue to know what I’m worth. 

Whodini

“Frenz? How many us of have them? Frenz? The one we can depend on.” And yes, I’m quoting Whodini lyrics. Lol. Man, it’s been long ass night/morning. I hate it when it’s slow motion at work, it makes the time DRAG by. Anyway. I’ve been thinking a lot about my friendships lately. One thing about me… my circle is small and I like it that way. I have a handful of friends that I really fuck with. So needless to say, I go UP and I show out. I really wish more people would show up for the ones they care about. I definitely do wayyy too much, but idk any other way. I just feel like, if you love someone and you KNOW for a fact that they’re loyal to the soil…

Why wouldn’t you want to go above and beyond? I’m not speaking just about monetary or things that are tangible. But moreso emotional, mental, and spiritual support. Granted, I am not always in the space to support them how I need to, but I damn sure do my best. Like, I really love my friends. I mean, I love them for who they are and what they represent in my life. My family are my friends. The dysfunction and chaos that I have to deal with my family? My friends do more than take up space. We get on each other’s nerves, occasionally and curse each other out… but the love? That’s so genuine and my actions prove it.

Being an empath… is hard. So when my friends go thru sum’n, so do I. I feel all of that energy, and it hurts. It hurts to know that my friend(s) are going through it; ESPECIALLY when I can do anything about it. But, it’s life. All I can continue to do is pray for them and hope they have some type of peace. I’ve always done by best to rest those how I want to be treated, and for the most part it’s worked out. Luckily for me, I learned years ago that just because you do right by people, that doesn’t mean that they’re going to do right by you. Feel me? Sometimes that’s a hard lesson to learn. But, that’s why I said my circle is small. Anything that I do is because I wanna see you happy/brighten your day or simply a ‘just because’ text to let you know I love you. That’s me. 

I just wish that people would love on each more. It’s so much fuckery going on in the world. I don’t want any hate, ill will, or negativity in my heart or towards anyone. Who has that type of time? Life is short. I want anyone I care about to WIN. 

It’s weird tho… because when I typically go thru sum’n, so does someone I’m close to. This is just a reminder, that even if you’re going through it. You’re not alone. I hope you hear my positive thoughts and prayers, and know that I have hug waiting for you. Life is tough enough… but just know I got you for as long as I have breath in my body. 

love. all ways. always.

Ainee’, Sha, Danielle, Morgan, Chyna, Bridgette, Dawn, DJ, Thomas, Cedric, Harold, and Mawa.

This is for y’all. 

516

Functioning. It is crazy to me how life goes on while you’re internally going thru turmoil. The world is just passing you by, while you want to just disappear. I’ve always believed I am different. In every sense in the word. I’ve always felt different and moved different. Different, how? I’m not sure. As I got older I realized I was an outcast and I always wanted to be left alone, because I felt like no one understood me. I just wanted to get away from everything… even in high school. Years later it was brought to my attention that it’s called depression. And with that, I’ve always been worried and tend to overthink A LOT, which in fact is anxiety. Realistically, I’ve been dealing with these issues my whole life. They’re just weren’t talked about or made of importance until about 8-10 years ago.

The fact that I’ve been FUNCTIONING for YEARS on end is amazing. I’ve always suppressed my feelings of inadequacy, doubt, rejection, and feeling unloved. Dealing with all of this and being in survival mode is enough to take anyone past their lowest point. But, it is ongoing. It is literally….  LITERALLY a spiritual/emotional/mental warfare inside of me. How is it that I know what God says & what HE has done for me, but I’m still having thoughts of death? That is so unbelievably selfish of me. It’s a fine line. God knows there’s a reason why I’m on this earth. I’m not sure what it is, but I pray HE reveals it to me sooner than later. Every 3-6 months I go thru this phase where I doubt everything; and it feels like I’m constantly asking myself what’s my point in being here? 

Last night while I was headed to work… I was fighting back tears. I kept having really negative thoughts. Once I got on the highway I literally had to keep saying, “Devil get up offa me.” I knew that’s who it is. It feels like a spiral… like a tornado of toxic ass emotions, numbness, and wanting to die. This shit ain’t normal. Unfortunately, it is my reality. And some days are better than others. Constantly having to work thru your shit is so draining and painful….. BUTTTTTT… gotta keep working. The goal is to NOT let the devil win, heal, strengthen your faith, and keep working on YOU. 

Even though I am super sweet, genuine, cool, laidback, and chill? I’m suffering and it ain’t all peaches and cream. However, I’m pushing though despite how I currently feel. Also know… functioning is HARD.

*if you read this,  please send a prayer up for ya girl. 🙏🏽

love. all ways. always.

Low & behold

I hate it when people say calm down and don’t overthink! How? HOW? questions that need answers. Today I realized that overthinking is definitely a form of self sabotage. And I do not know how to turn this off. Cuz once it starts, ain’t no going back. It’s scary. My mind constantly racing, as well as my heart. That happens and the most drastic decision happens, based on the situation going on. For me there is no gray area. Strictly black and white. There is no alternative or no ‘meeting halfway’ or compromise. My therapist told me once to entertain the gray. I did and it wasn’t too bad. But now I’m back to square one and it sux. At the moment I’m not sure how to confirm if it’s God’s voice or my ability to self sabotage. I honestly don’t know how to differentiate the two. My OG told me to pray about until God reveals what to do next. BUTTTTT, I don’t have the words to say. It’s extremely weird being in this place. I’m all for growth but this shit hurts. Growth… ( if you’re up for the challenge), is a doozy. So many things I’m learning & unlearning, unpacking my baggage while simultaneously being in a relationship. I legitimately feel crazy. Crazy because it seems like almost every two weeks, I’m in my thoughts or box o feelz. While fighting through not shutting down…. maybe God is tryna tell me sum’n. I am all over the place. But, I’m beginning to think I’m the problem. What I often feel seems/sounds valid, until I say it aloud or vent to someone. Then overthinking comes into play. Yes, you can tell me all day long to calm down or say, “It’s not that deep.” OH, but it is! Everything and I do mean EVERYTHING I feel is… INTENSE. I hate it. I hate that I can’t just let things roll off my back. I hate that after a conversation with someone, I think of all the things I said or shouldn’t say. I hate the fact that I always wonder what people think about me and it’s none of my concern. I hate the fact that I’m even writing these words at the moment. You see? So, it’s a lot… for me. Overthinking is not something I ever intended to do. It takes you towards a downward spiral that leads to even more severe anxiety and depression. Anxiety in itself is crippling, and add overthinking to the mix? Lordt have mercy. I’m doing my best to cope and take things day by day, but I can’t. My anxiety is overwhelming at the moment. I can recognize & acknowledge where I am in life… emotionally & mentally. I kinda feel like I’m drowning in my own misery and I’m the only person that can save me. As I’ve gotten older, I really see how your mental health can affect you. Dealing with depression, severe anxiety doesn’t define me and I’ll never let it. However, it’s definitely plays a major role in my life on the daily. I’m not claiming anything negative, letting the Devil have his way, or putting it into the universe. I’m stating FACTS. Despite me currently feeling like this… I am really proud of myself. Granted I’m still working on myself a lot, I’ve come a long way… and still a long way to go. I can’t wait to get my ass back in therapy. Hopefully REALLY REALLY soon. It helped me work out some issues within myself and other people. It’s that time again. I know what I deserve. And I know it starts with me. I know I can’t receive my blessings if I’m self sabotaging. God knows it too… that’s prolly why it’s so intense in my spirit. He be KNOWIN’. lol. I’m glad I got this off my chest. I feel just a tad bit lighter…

love. all ways. always. 

Angel Hands

Posted up in the cut waiting to clock out from work and go home. I’ve had alotta idle time while working this morning, which means I’ve been thinking. The last week or so has been turmoil for me, moreso mentally and emotionally. I suppose physically too, because my body has been hurting non stop. When my body hurts like this it’s stress and anxiety. Today is the first morning in about 2 weeks that I kinda feel okay. I know that’s only from God and the people in my life that are genuinely praying for me. I need it. Some days are better than others. The last month has been extremely difficult. One of my good friend’s pointed out that I’m currently dealing with trauma, which that’s actually accurate af. I lost my grandmother due to bladder cancer, I have disheartening images of her on a gurney, tryna be there/support my mom… all while my sibling is being an ignorant jack ass on social media AND in real life. So yes, it’s been a doozy. I don’t wanna trip anymore… my birthday is coming up in 6 days and I don’t wanna go into 33 being incredibly depressed. I wanna get back into some type of normalcy. I suppose I should continue taking my own advice, “day by day.” I’ve realized that I have to be gentle with myself and offer myself grace, considering that everything is affecting me at the moment. I hate when someone asks me, “Are you ok?” I REALLY wanna say, “🗣 NO NIGGA, I’m not okay… I’m fucking depressed… stop talking to me.” But I can’t…

That’s why I’ve been doing my best to reach out to my friends that know me well. Because they know (for the most part) what patterns are, especially when I shut down. I honestly hate shutting down, because my caring bone goes away. I ignore texts, phone calls, and any other type of communication. Trust me, it’s not intentional… it’s how I cope. And unfortunately, when I shut down… it does more harm than good. But when you’re in that deep dark hole of depression… you literally want to be left alone. You feel numb, hopeless, discouraged, disconnected and overwhelmingly sad. It’s a hard to bounce back. So not only am I dealing with depression & anxiety… but I have to adult daily too??? LISSSSEEEENNNN. I don’t have time. I have too many goals to accomplish this year for the nonsense. But, remember the word GRACE? Gotta give myself enough grace and space (hey, that rhymes 😉) to grieve how I need to and feel how I need to, without being too hard on myself or feeling guilty. It’s just hella emotions tied into one, so forgive me if I’m rambling. Moral of the story is… today… this morning… I feel God’s grace and some type of peace. I am humbly grateful that my inner circle is praying for me, cuz I desperately need it. My angels are looking over me. I know they are cuz I feel it. It’s still hard to cope, but I’m making it thru. If you read this, I’m still asking for prayer/positive thoughts/good energy. I’m just thankful that today is better than what it has been…

Whew…

Not even sure where to begin. My grandmother passed 2 weeks ago. Some days have been better than others, and other days have been miserable. I’m still in disbelief that she’s gone. I keep looking at her picture… thinking how could this be. Even though she had a lot of health problems throughout the years, I believed she lived a good life in her 89 years. This week my anxiety has been at an all time high. I’ve never dealt with death with someone so close to me. So I guess I’m doing ok considering the circumstance. Friday was the viewing and yesterday was the memorial. I won’t go into full details, but Friday was the ultimate shit show. I’ve never felt so much rage and so much anger against one person, that I wanted to bodily harm. That’s how I feel about my sibling. I’m more convinced now than ever that some people are just meant to be messy & live a miserable life. Although the viewing was a hot ass mess… the memorial was lovely. Only thing I didn’t care for was my family tryna be all fake (just certain ones). My friends came to support me & I’ll forever be grateful for that. Them showing up let me know that I am loved, supported, and acknowledged. Today… today is Mother’s Day…. and I’m feeling some type of way.  Moreso numb and disconnected I guess. I’m not really sure what to do with myself. I called my mom this morning to wish her a HMD. This is whole situation has me wanting to love on her more, cuz tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us. I just need to get back to some type of normalcy. I haven’t wanted to leave the house or be productive. Is this was grief feels like? Because it’s heavy,. Processing all of these emotions is… a lot. I’m just tryna cope the best way I can. 

love. all ways. always.