Scaredy Cat

And another one...*DJ Khaled voice*

That’s what I think when I wake up in the morning. Doing my best to continue taking it day by day. My anxiety is still on 100, pretty much all the time but I’m pushing thru. I had the realest epiphany yesterday. I am... scared. I often talk about the person I want to become, but, in actuality I’m afraid. I’m afraid of undoing/unbecoming of everything I am to become who I’m destined to be. Maybe all these trials & tribulations this year is literally to help me undo my current self & becomebetter. To get rid of my negative neuropaths & to build new ones. Possibly to take better care of myself...etc.  The thought in itself is beyond terrifying & overwhelming. Like the idea of wanting to be better & do better is GREAT. But, realistically it’s not that easy. I guess the key is consistency & discipline, which is where I lack in a major way. But, I just have to keep reminding myself day by day. Literally day by day... because if I think too ahead into the future I begin to spiral. I’m slowly recognizing this about myself. Also, I’m realizing that I need to create boundaries. We’re 8 months into the year & I can honestly say so far... 2019 has been a doozy. I can’t lie tho... part me still wants to disassociate myself from the world & go MIA. The other part of me is beginning to understand that timing is EVERYTHING. And maybe everything that I’ve been going thru the last 10 years for this particular moment. I’ll always be a scaredy cat in a sense, but I have a little bit of peace knowing that trouble don’t last always. Not only that, but if I’ve been down... the only way to go is up. 

LOVE. 

No pants

This diagnosis is real. I’m really doing my best to stay sane. But some days are better than others and some are just... heavy. Currently at work on the verge of tears. It feels like a wave turning into a sea of emotions coming over me. I can’t necessarily explain this sadness. I’m tired of fighting. I just wanna succumb to it all. I’m not okay but yet I have to pretend to be. I hate that my emotions are all on my face. I have people in my life that love, support, and pray for me/with me. But, I feel like I’m draining them and that’s a heavy burden to bear. Because I know my current state causes them to worried and be concerned. 

In this moment, I feel like I could just walk outta work and never come back. However, I know I can’t do that... cuz your bills don’t care if you’re depressed or not. I still have to pay my rent, electric bill, phone bill etc. I just wanna be in seclusion and stay there. I’ve already shut down within the last 2 weeks, which made one of my good friends come two days in row...banging on my door and calling me non stop. Of course I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone or see anyone. I’m doing my damnest not to go back there. But I really want to... I desperately want to. Seclusion feels like my best friend at the moment. It all feels too heavy. I just wanna gohome, have no pants on with a comforter over my head and be in the dark. 
Pray for me... please

Untitled

I just got home... maybe about 30 mins ago. It’s been a long day, per usual. Still sad. Still numb. Still feeling a way...😔 While I was driving... rightbefore I got to my apartment complex... a thought popped up into my head. As much as people have been saying that they love me lately and saying that they need me. I’ve lowkey convinced myself it’s not true. I think if I was gone today, no one would truly miss me. No one would need me.I don’t even know what I bring to someone’s life that they would need me so much. In this space I’m in, no one’s love matters. Cuz I don’t matter. Truth is I’m terrified to live and I’m terrified to die. There is no balance. There is no gray area. It’s black or white. I just wanna disappear. People can forget all about me. I’m just —- empty. 

655

I’m not sure what time I went to sleep and turned the tv off. I just know that I’ve been crying off and on all day. It’s currently raining and my mood is beyond bleak. I’ve had myself wrapped up in a comforter all day on the couch. I’m still not in the space to necessarily talk to anyone, but I have been texting and attempting to reach out. I guessed what I realized is true about myself. I havea really intense energy about myself. And those that are close to me and who know me well, KNOW something is off and not right. It hurts because I can no longer put on this facade. If anything, I am a fighter. But... I —— I’m so exhausted. So tired. When I was in Terra Haute, I was severely depressed for months and no one knew except for my boyfriend at the time. He was my only support system. So I could easily put on a mask and pretend everything was okay; because no one was around me or checking on me like that. Now that I’ve moved home... it’s the total opposite and it’s scary. I have people blowing up my phone, stopping by my house knocking on my door relentlessly because I’m not answering and everything else that’s in between. It’s scary. It’s scary someone loves me this much. It’s scary that someone can feel my energy or spirit that much that they have the need to check on me. I also think because I’m older now, I definitely can fake the funk how I used to. 

I have been depressed for YEARS. I think this is the worst that it’s ever been. You know some days are better than others. But lately, I just... don’twanna deal with anything or anyone. I have had suicidal thoughts before, but it was mainly because of the environment I was in when I was livingwith my sister. Now... I understand why someone could so easily take their own life. My thought process is.. I don’t know what to do or where to go. I just wanna eliminate all the pain, agony, misery, frustration, hurt, and confusion. To be honest, I’m 50/50 with it. I don’t actually have the courage to do anything to myself. It just sounds like an easy solution for the time being. I’m not necessarily thinking about who I’d be hurting, who I’dbe leaving behind, etc. So with that... my second thought process is... “well, what good am I doing for people? Why do they love me in the first place? I don’t really matter. I’d be better off gone.” 

All of these thought go through my head often. I’m not thinking of anyone else’s pain, except my own. I just wanna stop all the hurt and all the sadness that I’ve been feeling for years. I’m a mess. And all I can keep thinking is I’m depleted andexhausted... what else do I have left to give? Cuz my spirit is empty and so is my being.

7:17pm

Different eyes.

Happiness. We all strive for peace, love, and happiness. To be real, I don’t think I’ve ever been happy. I’ve had ‘happy’ moments and experiences. I may have even at one point been a happy child. But going thru my teenage years up until now... I haven’t been happy. Life often times plague me. I self sabotage. I overthink. I over analyze. I panic. It is never my intention to do these things. But, it is what it is. The last 6 months I have grown drastically. A lot of forgiveness, healing, and evolving has happened. That in itself is a blessing. In this moment, I feel how I did in 2011. I am frustrated. I am tired of being in survival mode. I am anxious. I am overwhelmed. I woke up this morning from a not so great sleep. As I was getting up and began to get ready for work. I looked in the mirror and I saw nothing but sadness on my face and in my eyes. I began to break down in massive tears. I triggered my own self. Still getting ready and looked in the mirror again, and busted out the ugly cry... yet again. I headed to work feeling some type of way. Everyone keeps asking if I’m ok... and I just give em the slow head nod or say, “I’m just tired.”

I text my sis something that I should never ever say. She called me 3 mins after that. I quickly walked to the bathroom & as she’s talking, I break down in the ugly cry yet again. Can’t say I necessarily felt better after the brief convo. I just wanted to stay in the bathroom and keep crying. My eyes have been heavy all day.

I vowed to never get this low or get to this point in life again. Yet, here I am. I have no obligations, except for myself. I sometimes wonder why people are friends with me, why they like me, or what it is that I bring to their life. Would it even matter if I left this world? In reality, I am terrified to die. But, idk what else to do with myself. 

I’ve always said that I know that God has a purpose for me that’s bigger and better than anything I’ve ever seen. However, idk what my purpose is. Idk how to go about finding it. Maybe God is allowing me to hit rock bottom first. It hurts me to even type these words out. I’m just... tired. Ironically, and esp as of lately people have told me that my eyes look different. I guess it’s because I can no longer put on the facade that I am ok.  I’m not. I haven’t had this feeling in 8 years. I never wanted to come back to this mind state. I’ve been fighting this mental state for almost the past month. But, this morning it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am officially numb. 

On my way to work this morning I slightly thought about running my car into the guard rail. I just wanna go to sleep and don’t wake up. I’m not sure if I actually mean these words at the moment... but just know I’m in a fog that I can’t get out of. I did manage to say a prayer this morning before I walked into work but I still feel the same.

Is the universe tryna tell me something? Does the devil have me under attack? Is this God’s way of pulling me closer to him? Cuz at this point... I don’t really believe my life will get better. It feels like a never ending cycle of the same shit. I just... don’t know anymore. 

Dunno

It’s been a while. A lot has happened. A lot is stillhappening... internally & externally. My spirit is heavy and my anxiety is through the roof per usual. I feel like it’s getting outta control. I’m not doing anything crazy but I just do not feel normal. I can’t allow myself to slow my thoughts down. Positive thinking and breathing exercises don’t work. I’ve just been running non stop the last coupleof weeks/month. Tryna catch up on rest, working, daily adulting, anxiety plus dealing with other situations. It has been a lot. I haven’t processed too much of anything lately. My mind won’t is everywhere. I don’t wanna leave my apartment cuzI don’t wanna be bothered or I’m too exhausted to do anything else l.

Ehhh...

There is an ongoing internal battle with myself. I am physically, emotionally, and mentally depleted. Like I always say, some days are better than others. This week tho? Beyond draining. I am frustrated, annoyed, and most importantly OVER IT. Today I came to the realization that what I thought was once important...is not. I am not happy.

The very thing that I once wanted is now void. For so long, I’ve been doing my damnest to make shit shake. To do the right thing and follow the path that I thought was meant for me. I still dunno what my purpose is. I think I’m done tryna figure it out. The good thing about me is that I’m adaptable to change. I never mind something else that is outside of my plan or getting rid of the plan. 

I was never “really” sure about being an aviation mechic. I just dove straight in and hoped for the best. Today I realized this is not what I want from myself and I should do better with listening to my intuition. There’s alotta factors that have attributed the decision that I mentally made today. Luckily, I am ok with starting over and doing something different. I am taking the pressure off indefinitely. I still want to be in aviation but just not this aspect of it.

I talked my mom earlier and I was literally on the verge of thug tears. She basically told me not to be frustrated and don’t let any job make you upset. And, how the devil was tryna mess with me. Lol. Also, if it’s not something that I wanna continue to pursue...that’s okay. Lastly but not least, age doesn’t define me. Just because I’m 31 and don’t have it figured out...it’s ok. I’m still young and I’m gonna prosper. Kudos to my mama. All of the things she said made me really wanna hug and let her squeeze me tight while saying...”it’s gon be ok big girl.”

The last couple of weeks I’ve majorly been in my box o’ feelings. When anxiety strikes... it’s difficult to feel normal or not feel the burden of overthinking. It makes your spirit and your whole being feel extremely heavy. Like I said before, some days are better than others. I need to refocus and shift my energy. This space is uncomfortable, which causes growth and that’s important as well. 

I wish I was great at stuff. Like being an amazing dancer, incredible chef, a dope hair stylist or even a singer. 🤔 All I can do is continue to be me and pray that tomorrow is a better day. While also praying that God’s plan is bigger and better than my own. I mean HE does know all and see all. 

If/when you read this...please pray for me. I’d greatly appreciate it.

Love. All ways. Always.