PUSH

P.U.S.H.

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Pray until something happens. Life has been a worldwind of emotions the last 5-6 months. It has not been easy. Deaths, relationships, work, daily adulting, regular severe anxiety… the list goes on & on. But, I’ve persevered through it all. Almost a new month and I wanna go into October strong. I currently have peace. What’s crazy to me is… like 3 people told me I look different this morning. Almost as if I have a different type of aura. One of those ppl said it looks like the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. And that’s incredibly accurate. Granted, I’m tired because I’m still at work. BUT, I definitely have peace and I’m so very thankful. No idea how grateful. Typically when I go through something, my emotions are tying me down. I’ve been so mentally disconnected, frustrated, and just disappointed the last 3 months. So to come to work and my co-workers are telling me that I lost weight/slimmin’ down, and that I have a certain glow? Baby, that’s GOD. I literally had to PUSH through especially as of late. It is the little things. I just knew breaking up with a significant other after almost 2 years together would put me somewhere I didn’t wanna be. However, it’s the total opposite. I have peace knowing I did my best, loved as hard as could and was there to support him in any capacity. I hate that the split had to happen, but I’ve been fighting myself for way too long. So, God had been in my ear heavy and I FINALLY listened. I’m honestly happy. I’m relieved. I can go on with my life without being miserable. This lets me know everything will be alright. ❤️❤️❤️

love. all ways. always.

Cold hands, warm heart

When your best isn’t enough. What do you do? Give it to God. Or at least that what my mama said. I really be trippin’ over life…

Like one minute you’re cool and then BAM! 💥 the next minute your whole life changes in an instant. I think about my life a lot. What I mean to people, what they mean to me, my purpose, and everything I’ve been through this far. I’ve come an incredibly long way. To see my growth is amazing AND for other people to see/acknowledge my growth is amazing as well. Although these growing pains hurt, I’m in awe with myself. 

I’m staying true to my word. I know what I’m worth and I don’t want to settle. God built me different. Learning that I’m an empath makes so much more sense to me as I get older. After tapping into my vulnerability via therapy. AND being in a relationship… I’ve had to learn the sensitive spots of my heart, mind, and spirit. So with all that… I’m a sensitive hot mess mixed with empathy. I’m dealing with my own issues on top of feeling everyone else’s emotions. It’s crazy! I was today years old when I realized it. Lol. 

Imagine how heavy all of this feels on a daily basis. I’ve come to terms that solace, quietness, and sleep is how I manage. Sometimes I’ll come home and won’t turn on anything. I’ll just sit in silence or even drive in silence. Not all the time, but, it’s becoming more often and I’m okay with it. In this moment I am doing alright. However, I know some days will be better than others. I also know that healing takes time. I’ve given so much of myself away in this particular relationship and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It has just taught me that I’m able to love. And although, I’ve given alotta myself to someone… that just means that I’m ready to love even harder the next go round. I just need to make sure that it’s reciprocated how I need it to be. In the midst of my mind’s chaos, I’m still processing… Life man… it be life’n…
love. all ways. always.

Love. Live Life. Proceed. Progress

I wish I could convey into words of how I feel at the moment. I feel like no matter how much I talk about it… no one really gets it. I’ve literally been in my bubble and staying to myself lately. My OG told me to sit still and listen to God’s voice; which I’ve been doing my best to do so. I’ve been cool lately, but yesterday it hit me… probably the main reason why I didn’t get too much sleep before work. 

I haven’t been sad in awhile, but today I feel all of it, every emotion. I guess I’m sad because I know what has to be done. I don’t want to be single. I really don’t. Tbh, everyone knows it’s slim pickings outchea. I don’t wanna date and get to know someone new. No desire, at all. 🙅🏽‍♀️. I’m 33 years old with no children. Yes, the world is my oyster… however it currently doesn’t feel like that. I want a family. I want someone that’s going to return all the love I give and then some. What’s crazy to me is…, I just realized it, but, in this particular situation…. I’ve literally given all that I have. In every sense of the word. I’ve been fighting myself for awhile, but it’s time to listen to my intuition. I’m hurt. I’m sad, I’m frustrated.

To know that I wanted to spend my life with someone, and now I’m choosing to be single? It’s a weird space to be in. Extremely weird. 

Even tho my spirit is everywhere… this is the best choice at the moment. I’ve lost myself. I recognize this and I have to change it. Being self aware sometimes sux, especially when you love yourself AND others love you enough to call out the bullshit that’s happening. 

I will say that I’m proud of myself. For knowing when to walk away, especially when you know you have given all you have and then some. I’ve always been different and had a different type of heart, which is a major blessing. However, alotta people don’t know what to do with it. I love hard and I never realized it until I got in this relationship. 

At this point, I’m just tryna keep my peace and sanity without going into a downward spiral of depression. It’s hard. Really hard, especially now that I have made an executive decision.  I’m still a little unsure, but this discernment that I’ve been praying for is incredibly intense. And with that being said… if you read this, pray for your girl. These growing pains are a doozy…

love. all ways. always.

Jus Chill

An interesting time for me. A fork in the road, to say the least. I’ve tapped into my vulnerability A LOT the last 2 years. And yet, here I am struggling to make an executive decision. I guess I’m still learning how to truly listen to my intuition. It’s very difficult for me. In hindsight, I always try to do things the right way and a lot of the time it doesn’t work out. So where does that leave me? In doubt, frustration, & confusion. However, I can say at this moment… I’m processing better than what I would’ve in the past. I am aware of what’s going on. And no matter what I decide, no one is going to be happy. While exploring life and love simultaneously, I’ve learned to love/care so deeply, be more open/understanding and challenging myself emotionally. I’ve expanded boundaries and taken more accountability than ever. For a long time I didn’t think this was possible. I didn’t know think that I would ever feel love so deeply or find a companion that really GOT ME. And then, I found someone. My whole life shifted. Shifted for the better. It’s been scary but I can honestly say that I’ve been better for the journey. In the beginning I didn’t so much question a lot of things or emotions, because I was just happy. But, now? I have to question everything because… I don’t want to settle from me making someone else incredibly comfortable. That’s a joy I have. To make people happy, comfortable etc. There are little things that eventually show up in big form. My feelings feel crazy, but I know that they’re valid. This is when I have to listen to my intuition AND God’s voice. I’m sitting still and processing without the beast of overthinking/panicked.

I can’t lie and say my anxiety isn’t on overdrive but I’m handling things a lot better than I have in the past…(or at least I think I am)…

One thing I’ve learned about myself is… despite me ‘loving hard’ and wanting things to work out for themselves… I can walk away. Yes, love will be there all ways. But in this season, it’s time to get back to me… plant more seeds of self love and continue to know what I’m worth. 

Whodini

“Frenz? How many us of have them? Frenz? The one we can depend on.” And yes, I’m quoting Whodini lyrics. Lol. Man, it’s been long ass night/morning. I hate it when it’s slow motion at work, it makes the time DRAG by. Anyway. I’ve been thinking a lot about my friendships lately. One thing about me… my circle is small and I like it that way. I have a handful of friends that I really fuck with. So needless to say, I go UP and I show out. I really wish more people would show up for the ones they care about. I definitely do wayyy too much, but idk any other way. I just feel like, if you love someone and you KNOW for a fact that they’re loyal to the soil…

Why wouldn’t you want to go above and beyond? I’m not speaking just about monetary or things that are tangible. But moreso emotional, mental, and spiritual support. Granted, I am not always in the space to support them how I need to, but I damn sure do my best. Like, I really love my friends. I mean, I love them for who they are and what they represent in my life. My family are my friends. The dysfunction and chaos that I have to deal with my family? My friends do more than take up space. We get on each other’s nerves, occasionally and curse each other out… but the love? That’s so genuine and my actions prove it.

Being an empath… is hard. So when my friends go thru sum’n, so do I. I feel all of that energy, and it hurts. It hurts to know that my friend(s) are going through it; ESPECIALLY when I can do anything about it. But, it’s life. All I can continue to do is pray for them and hope they have some type of peace. I’ve always done by best to rest those how I want to be treated, and for the most part it’s worked out. Luckily for me, I learned years ago that just because you do right by people, that doesn’t mean that they’re going to do right by you. Feel me? Sometimes that’s a hard lesson to learn. But, that’s why I said my circle is small. Anything that I do is because I wanna see you happy/brighten your day or simply a ‘just because’ text to let you know I love you. That’s me. 

I just wish that people would love on each more. It’s so much fuckery going on in the world. I don’t want any hate, ill will, or negativity in my heart or towards anyone. Who has that type of time? Life is short. I want anyone I care about to WIN. 

It’s weird tho… because when I typically go thru sum’n, so does someone I’m close to. This is just a reminder, that even if you’re going through it. You’re not alone. I hope you hear my positive thoughts and prayers, and know that I have hug waiting for you. Life is tough enough… but just know I got you for as long as I have breath in my body. 

love. all ways. always.

Ainee’, Sha, Danielle, Morgan, Chyna, Bridgette, Dawn, DJ, Thomas, Cedric, Harold, and Mawa.

This is for y’all. 

516

Functioning. It is crazy to me how life goes on while you’re internally going thru turmoil. The world is just passing you by, while you want to just disappear. I’ve always believed I am different. In every sense in the word. I’ve always felt different and moved different. Different, how? I’m not sure. As I got older I realized I was an outcast and I always wanted to be left alone, because I felt like no one understood me. I just wanted to get away from everything… even in high school. Years later it was brought to my attention that it’s called depression. And with that, I’ve always been worried and tend to overthink A LOT, which in fact is anxiety. Realistically, I’ve been dealing with these issues my whole life. They’re just weren’t talked about or made of importance until about 8-10 years ago.

The fact that I’ve been FUNCTIONING for YEARS on end is amazing. I’ve always suppressed my feelings of inadequacy, doubt, rejection, and feeling unloved. Dealing with all of this and being in survival mode is enough to take anyone past their lowest point. But, it is ongoing. It is literally….  LITERALLY a spiritual/emotional/mental warfare inside of me. How is it that I know what God says & what HE has done for me, but I’m still having thoughts of death? That is so unbelievably selfish of me. It’s a fine line. God knows there’s a reason why I’m on this earth. I’m not sure what it is, but I pray HE reveals it to me sooner than later. Every 3-6 months I go thru this phase where I doubt everything; and it feels like I’m constantly asking myself what’s my point in being here? 

Last night while I was headed to work… I was fighting back tears. I kept having really negative thoughts. Once I got on the highway I literally had to keep saying, “Devil get up offa me.” I knew that’s who it is. It feels like a spiral… like a tornado of toxic ass emotions, numbness, and wanting to die. This shit ain’t normal. Unfortunately, it is my reality. And some days are better than others. Constantly having to work thru your shit is so draining and painful….. BUTTTTTT… gotta keep working. The goal is to NOT let the devil win, heal, strengthen your faith, and keep working on YOU. 

Even though I am super sweet, genuine, cool, laidback, and chill? I’m suffering and it ain’t all peaches and cream. However, I’m pushing though despite how I currently feel. Also know… functioning is HARD.

*if you read this,  please send a prayer up for ya girl. 🙏🏽

love. all ways. always.

Low & behold

I hate it when people say calm down and don’t overthink! How? HOW? questions that need answers. Today I realized that overthinking is definitely a form of self sabotage. And I do not know how to turn this off. Cuz once it starts, ain’t no going back. It’s scary. My mind constantly racing, as well as my heart. That happens and the most drastic decision happens, based on the situation going on. For me there is no gray area. Strictly black and white. There is no alternative or no ‘meeting halfway’ or compromise. My therapist told me once to entertain the gray. I did and it wasn’t too bad. But now I’m back to square one and it sux. At the moment I’m not sure how to confirm if it’s God’s voice or my ability to self sabotage. I honestly don’t know how to differentiate the two. My OG told me to pray about until God reveals what to do next. BUTTTTT, I don’t have the words to say. It’s extremely weird being in this place. I’m all for growth but this shit hurts. Growth… ( if you’re up for the challenge), is a doozy. So many things I’m learning & unlearning, unpacking my baggage while simultaneously being in a relationship. I legitimately feel crazy. Crazy because it seems like almost every two weeks, I’m in my thoughts or box o feelz. While fighting through not shutting down…. maybe God is tryna tell me sum’n. I am all over the place. But, I’m beginning to think I’m the problem. What I often feel seems/sounds valid, until I say it aloud or vent to someone. Then overthinking comes into play. Yes, you can tell me all day long to calm down or say, “It’s not that deep.” OH, but it is! Everything and I do mean EVERYTHING I feel is… INTENSE. I hate it. I hate that I can’t just let things roll off my back. I hate that after a conversation with someone, I think of all the things I said or shouldn’t say. I hate the fact that I always wonder what people think about me and it’s none of my concern. I hate the fact that I’m even writing these words at the moment. You see? So, it’s a lot… for me. Overthinking is not something I ever intended to do. It takes you towards a downward spiral that leads to even more severe anxiety and depression. Anxiety in itself is crippling, and add overthinking to the mix? Lordt have mercy. I’m doing my best to cope and take things day by day, but I can’t. My anxiety is overwhelming at the moment. I can recognize & acknowledge where I am in life… emotionally & mentally. I kinda feel like I’m drowning in my own misery and I’m the only person that can save me. As I’ve gotten older, I really see how your mental health can affect you. Dealing with depression, severe anxiety doesn’t define me and I’ll never let it. However, it’s definitely plays a major role in my life on the daily. I’m not claiming anything negative, letting the Devil have his way, or putting it into the universe. I’m stating FACTS. Despite me currently feeling like this… I am really proud of myself. Granted I’m still working on myself a lot, I’ve come a long way… and still a long way to go. I can’t wait to get my ass back in therapy. Hopefully REALLY REALLY soon. It helped me work out some issues within myself and other people. It’s that time again. I know what I deserve. And I know it starts with me. I know I can’t receive my blessings if I’m self sabotaging. God knows it too… that’s prolly why it’s so intense in my spirit. He be KNOWIN’. lol. I’m glad I got this off my chest. I feel just a tad bit lighter…

love. all ways. always.