Never ending

30 has been a bitch so far. Probably because I'm unlearning all of my bad behaviors/patterns. 30 has also shown me that some stuff I just don't have the tolerance for. I don't have the energy to keep entertaining simple situations. I do my best to not dwell on how I THINK someone should react to what I do/say. It's beyond difficult. It's difficult because I'm super chill, laidback and sometimes overly logical. And, I often think that I wouldn't act like that...it maddens me. But clearly everyone isn't the same. At this point I'm tired. Emotionally and mentally exhausted, on top of being numb to the bullshit. As my dad often says, "Who's gonna be for you, is gonna be for you." It makes so much sense. I can't afford to continue to soak in other people's problems....I have enough of my own. I'm beginning to learn the simplicity in situations. Either you rock with me or you don't. I'm done trying to figure out what it is that I did wrong. If I'm wrong, I'll say I'm wrong. I'll apologize and keep it pushing. But this current moment in my life? I'm okay with walking away. It seems like its necessary. I can't continue to deal with someone's toxic behaviors/problematic attitudes. It has taken a toll on me as is. I just wanna move on and keep healing...and this is beyond a treacherous task. I'm not willing to jeopardize my peace or healing over someone else's issue with me...especially when I know I didn't do anything wrong....

Procsssing

Within the last day or so I've been doing some heavy thinking...and my brain just won't turn off. I'm beginning to feel how I felt in 2016/2017. I remember seeing a therapist on campus. I also remember it being therapeutic, scary, and becoming triggered... by opening up about myself and some of the experiences I have been thru. Fast forward...I'm feeling the same. The thing about me is...I function highly with depression and anxiety. Anxiety is a daily bih. And depression? It's always there but some days...it just decides to rear its ugly head. I don't know how or when it comes, it just does.

I've been in therapy 2 months and I'm starting to feel the effects of being so transparent. From dealing with issues about my family, a falling out with a friend, and just overall adulting. It all feels so heavy. I'm not saying that I expected therapy to be a one and done situation. But, clearly this healing process is gonna be a lot harder than what I initially thought. I'm also realizing its gonna take time. So many emotions I feel. Mainly overwhelming. I guess I'll pray that God gives me the strength to handle all of this. I know I need it. So much baggage to unpack. I thought I was ready but....I'm not. Better now, than later...I suppose.

This whole process is just hard. Accepting that I know I can be a better a version of myself is...the truth. But getting to this point? It takes courage...and I'm working on it.

Untitled

My heart is heavy and my spirit is being tried. Everything I have known the last 4.5
years has been thrown to the wayside. I am numb, hurt, sad, frustrated and beyond disappointed. I can not handle any more failed relationships and/or friendships. I just can't.

Being honest has always seemed to fail me. I always hurt someone's feelings in the process. So, in my mind...its like, should I have said anything at all? I don't like confrontation, nor do I like drama. The fact of the matter is... I've invested so much time into a friendship and it just abruptly ends. It makes me think...were we REALLY friends to begin with? I feel like a lost puppy...searching for a home. In this moment I feel extremely vulnerable and lonesome. Because someone that I trusted, was cool with, laughed with, had amazing experiences with etc etc....decided to end a friendship. That's a hard loss to cope with.

It all derives from a situation that was misconstrued and misunderstood. Then that turned to the real issue at hand; which was I thought someone was possessive. And because I told them this, they decided they didn't want to be my friend anymore. In hindsight, the whole thing is incredibly petty. I was thinking that we could just move on. Unfortunately, this was not the case. I mourn differently. Certain situations don't sink in for a while. But this? It sunk in instantly.

I'm still hoping that I'll receive a phone call, a text or just some type of message in general. But in reality, it is dead. It kinda makes me feel like I wish I never would've met this person. I've always been a loner and introvert. Then I find someone that I vibe with naturally and just hit it off. We hang out, talk almost everyday, we became travel buddies etc. But, now? I've officially deleted their text thread, their number, and have hidden our once bff pictures on my phone.

This isn't how I wanted the year to start off. Maybe we were only meant to be friends for a season. Maybe everything happens for a reason. Maybe I was put in their life to teach them something. Maybe I'll be better off without this person. Even though I don't feel like that's the case in this moment. Someone once told me...they're not your real friend if you can't be honest with them. I guess if anything, this whole situation I learned that...I have to be honest with myself first.

Bothersome

One thing I can pride myself on as a person is...I do my best to treat others how I want to be treated. I'm not shady or malicious, I really try to be good to everyone. Even if they're not good to me. So far, it has worked in my favor. In my 30 years on this earth, I haven't had any major issues with my friends. I keep my circle tight. For the most part...no drama. I have a select few that I actually TRUST and will never have to doubt....basically my ride or die. 😎 I'm pretty much an open person. If I got it, you got it. If someone hurts you, they hurt ME. you mad? OH, I'm big mad.

It's interesting tho because I've never understood how or why  someone that I care about could be possessive over ME. I've never actually experienced it until recently. Understand that I have different relationships with all my friends. If someone is heavy on my mind/spirit...I'll call, text, or go see them if I can. I guess that's the empath in me. I'm grateful that I can be a light for some. I'm just me. Idk how to be anything else. Anyway...

Yesterday a situation happened with one of my friends and it rock it to me to my core...to the point I got pissed off. Long story short, I talk to this person almost everyday. If it's not everyday, its several times during the week. Sometimes I don't feel like talking...so I'll ignore her phone call. Yesterday I got my hair cut and went to my other friends house to check one her, because I hadn't seen her in a cool minute. I get over there and I'm kk'n with my friend & her husband. The homie calls me and says "wyd?" I reply with I'm at so & so house. Her: "Oh ok. Well, I called you yesterday." I reply, "I know. I was busy...well I was on the phone." Her.."that's cool." and she proceeds to hang up the phone in my face. At first I thought it was funny. So, I immediately called her back to back until she picked up. She eventually answered and said, "I'll call you back." 😐😤😠🤬

At this point.. I'm really tryna figure out what her problem is and what I did to make her hang up on me. The more I think about it...the more pissed off I get. Cuz I'm like she's trippin TRIPPIN. She has felt some type of way before.. when she felt like someone was taking her place. And because of that I didn't talk to her for over a month, all because she was in her box o' feelings. I don't have time. PERIOD. We are grown. If you have an issue... please tell me so that we can communicate effectively and move tf on. What I'm mostly aggravated by is...I don't act like this, nor do my other friends. And its never that deep for you to hang up in my face.

The more and more I thought about this last nite...I was lowkey becoming livid. So, my petty side came into play and I blocked her number. I'm not finna entertain foolery...when clearly I don't even know what I did AND it was all good a couple of days ago. I'm never the type of person to get jealous over something like that. Maybe she's going thru something and is lashing out. Who freakin' knows but I don't have time....PERIOD.

Chile, please....🙄

Recap

This year started off amazing. Job opportunities and a rekindled flame. Things seem to be on the up & I was doing my best to just go with the flow. By April, I was single. May I was turning 30. June I felt the pressure of turning 30 & had a mental/emotional breakdown. July I was working like crazy just to distract myself from what I was feeling & to ease my pain. August I was beyond frustrated & annoyed with my job, which segues into September and I had 2 major anxiety attacks. In the midst of all this ...I forgot to mention I was working 6-7 days a week...between my regular job & a weekend side hustle.

I was hoping that October would be better, which it was until I got into a car accident the week that I was moving into my new crib. 😤 The silver lining was that the accident could've been a lot worse. Thank God for constantly keeping me covered. I was shook up by the accident, BUT everything worked itself out. I came out of the situation uninjured, my car was taken care of by insurance, & I was still able to work. The same week I moved into my new space. At first, I wasn't excited about it. Now? I'm soooooooo glad I'm back in my own crib. I can just BE. I'm incredibly thankful for the little things. I do my best not to take anything for granted.

There's one more day of 2018. I'm working. I have a car. I have an apartment. I have able limbs. I'm in my right mind. etc etc. I'm blessed. I've cut my locs & for me that signifies an ending of a chapter, starting anew, & most importantly FREEDOM. I really want this new found freedom to roll over into other aspects of my life. I wanna shake this negative mindset & constantly overthinking shit. I just wanna be happy. Unlearning bad habits & working on self is the new journey I'm on.

I don't believe in resolutions, just goals. I guess I should write them on paper because I'm already getting overwhelmed as I type this out. 😫 2018 has taught me that I'm really getting older. 😂 Also some other things:

1. I should live in the moment. Don't focus on the future so much, because it doesn't really exist.

2. I can do whatever I want to do.. as long as it's not ridiculously reckless, illegal, or I'm not hurting anyone.

3. As much as I want to be boo'd up & in a relationship. I need to discover myself. I need to love myself. And understand what it is I truly want for myself. Learn how to love & know how I want to be loved.

4. I don't give a fuck about what anyone says about me, esp if its negative.

5. If things don't go my way, don't get too bent shape about it. Just pray and keep it pushing.

6. Lastly...I HAVE to take better care of my body.

2019 feels like its gonna be a good one. I'm claiming it. I'm speaking it. I'm believing it.

let's get it. 💙

Freedom

A lot of things have changed in the course of my 20s. Now that I'm 30...it's as if the light has been turned on. I'm finally coming into myself. I'm learning who I am, what I want/need, and just being comfortable with myself. The biggest lesson that will forever be a lifelong journey is UNLEARNING bad habits.

I'm done talking about shit, I just do it. For a couple of years now I have been talking about cutting my locs. I said when I turned 30. Part of me has been afraid to do such a major change. But this year, I understood how necessary it was to go thru with it. I started my locs in 2009, when I came home from the Navy. I had them for officially 9 years. My mentor aka my other mom is the one that always did my hair. I've been begging & pleading for her to cut them. She kept telling me no. In November I FINALLY wore her down and she said fine. I was shocked that she actually agreed.

Long story, short....up until the day of, I wasn't sure how to feel. I was scared of what people might say, their reactions & I didn't want to explain my decision. On Saturday, 12/22/2018...it was about to go down! I had made my mind up that I was happy, excited, nervous and ready. On my way to my loctician's house....I had a conversation with God & myself. I was good.

I got to her house and she cut my locs super fast. The first section she cut, I was like omg!!! She said, "nope you can't turn back now." 😐 She was done in about 15 mins. It was such a crazy feeling to actually rub my hands thru my scalp and SEE my hair this short. Shortly after she washed it and headed to the barbershop. We got there somewhat early too & it was packed. 🙄 I waited about 2 hours & then her brother cut it. I can't lie, my anxiety was super high. I kept feeling myself tense up...but at the same time I was doing my damnest to stay calm.

He finished in about 40 mins. Went back to her house, and she dyed it. It was really sinking in what I had just did. Overall, I'm glad that I did it. I feel so free. I pray this feeling will roll over into other aspects of my life in 2019. Some might say that this was a drastic decision....but it wasn't. It was planned.

With me cutting my locs after 9 years...it's like I let go of so much dead weight, literally & figuratively. I don't expect other folks to understand. I don't care what people say. At the end of the day, I did it for me & only me.

IT 👏🏽IS 👏🏽JUST👏🏽 HAIR!!! It will grow back. I am becoming more comfortable within who I am. I'm cool with it. You ain't gotta agree but you will respect it.

It's all about freedom & healing. I'm claiming it in all aspects of my life. And I believe this is the first step in the right direction.

I'm with the shitz. ❤

Aim To Please

The new year is upon us. I haven't really thought about it that much. But, now that December is rapidly approaching, I can't help to think about it. I have been 30 for 6 months. I am still embracing and leaving all the mistakes I made in my 20s in the past. I am now focusing on this new chapter.

Who am I becoming? What do I want for myself? How do I accomplish goals that seem so daunting? I'm tryna sort thru all these emotions and questions that plague my mind daily. I'm still searching for my happy. What does happiness look like for me?

Tonite my therapist asked me what my 5 year plan was. I started to give her a clichè answer. I began to tell her the typical answers... like potentially having a baby, getting married, being happy. Then I paused...

I thought about it briefly and was like I really don't know. I told her that everytime I plan something...it NEVER works out. It's almost as if I'm attempting to play a trick on God. I also told her that I've learned that planning doesn't necessarily turn out how you want it to. And, I've had to learn the hard way. An easier method for me is to take things day by day. That seems to work better for me. I was once told that the future as we know, doesn't really exist and all we have is the now. I agree with that to a certain extent.

It lowkey takes the pressure off of me to have everything figured out. I think at the tender age of 30, I'm understanding and figuring out what it is that I TRULY want for myself. Because all selfish as this sounds...it is all about SELF. I have no kids. No spouse/significant other. Just me. I'm okay with that.

My future seems a little bit brighter when I take those expectations off myself and open up to possibilities/opportunities that I didnt think were obtainable before. My future looks different than what I thought it should be....just from a couple of years ago. I am OK with the now.

i am learning to be unapologetically myself. which for some, is a life long journey. it feels like 30 is just the beginning. I am in the beginning stages of becoming the greater version of myself. scary? yes. necessary? hell yes. but...when we know better, we do better...

love. always. all ways.